Sat In My Room...

 Bored out of my tiny little mind at the moment.

Really not sure what to do.  These tablets i'm on messed my sleeping pattern up so I can go from awake to zonked in minutes.

Found a channel on Youtube....been around a little while but only just found it.  It makes me laugh...hard.
It's a thing called Equals Three....or =3
So frickin funny.  Ray is a legend.

I have a huge blister on the back of my right foot which is pure agony.  Been struggling to walk on it most of the day which sucks.  Thank you new trainers.  Thanks a bunch.

Might just upload some random pics...for the hell of it.  Keeps me busy for a couple of minutes.

Recent pics of me.

My best friend Helen and I when we flew our "bee kite".

Kelsey, Me and Nadine in Bournemouth on my 23rd Birthday.

















Laura and I - Oct 30th @ Red Onion.

Me with my cousin Julie in Blackpool - March 2011.

Finally...The Weekend.

Hello,

So glad it's finally the weekend.  This week has been a bit stressful at times with work as it was my first week "going solo".

I used to work in a clothes shop called Evans for 4 years.  I recently changed job and now work as a bank cashier.  I've just done 6 weeks....5 of them i was being trained.  Hence why this week I went "solo" without the help of a trainer.  I think I did ok.  Well...the woman I worked with said I did really well.  However i got a little panicky at times with things I hadn't been shown or couldn't do.

Had some nice customer comments though which is always a plus.

I have never really mentioned the hell I went through with my old job...

Basically the deputy manager bullied me.  She hated my guts, tried to always get me into trouble and turn other members of staff (who were my friends) against me.  After being walked over by her (badly for 2 years) I reported her to the manager.  I literally broke down on the phone and said "she goes or I do".

The manager (who at one point also hated my guts thanks to my deputy) came over to the island to "sort out" the problem.  Thing is she did a little sob story and got away with murder.  It was all about her and her problems.  What about the suffering she had put me through?  She was also a reason 2 other girls left.  One being my close friend Kelsey.  We couldn't hack her crap (excuse my language) any more.

Every day all we heard was her love life, her problems etc.  When we wanted to talk about us for a moment....she didn't care.  Also you ask her to keep something secret and half the island knows within a day.

So we all had enough.

Her face when I handed my notice in was a picture.  Wish I had a camera at the time.  Would have framed it.

Kels and I love our new jobs.  We work for the same company again but different branches.  We are much happier our of that place.  She played us off against each other and I was worried we would lose our friendship because of her.  Luckily it all turned out ok.  We've always got each other's backs.

As for my old workplace...

All i've heard is negativity from customers and staff.  Definitely made the right decision.

People In My Life...

Hello again.

Just fancy putting up some pictures of some people in my life.  Then if I mention names...you have a face to go with it.

First of all... Me:

My best friend Helen (on the left):

My close friends Kelsey (left) & Nadine (far right):

My friends Charas (middle) & Steph (right) (I used to work with them briefly):

Guys who have meant something to me:


Jamie (Jimbob):

This is the guy I really liked when I was 15.  I thought he didn't like me...even telling my best friend Helen he didn't fancy me.  I was gutted....but turns out he did like me after all.  But by then it was too late and I had a boyfriend.  We are still friends...however I used to see him all the time (usually throughout the night when we were both unemployed and nocturnal) but now we are a bit more distant.  Shame really.  But he means a lot to me.  He helped me a lot in the past.  He's a great friend.







Chris:

My first boyfriend.  I was 16 and he was 21.  Got back together almost 5 years later for another 11 months before we broke up.

He doesn't believe me when I say this but I love him with all my heart.  All the hurt he put me through in the past...I tried to push it aside and get on with being together again.  But certain things got in the way and thoughts playing on my mind just didn't help us out.  I'm a sensitive person after everything I went through and I don't want to constantly feel upset about the past.  Unfortunately it was all I could think about.  I called it a day and I felt awful for doing it.  But I did it to help me.  It wasn't an easy decision at all.  I will always love him regardless.









Lee:

Possibly my favourite photo of us.  However it's also one of the saddest.  It was the last picture I took before we broke up 2 weeks later.

This was such a hard time for me.  He has helped me so much over the past 5 years.  We were together 4 and a half.  Engaged for 4 years.  We just kept bickering over stupid things.  We were always in each other's way.  It felt like we had no space.  A few other things felt like the final nail in the coffin and I left him.  We were absolutely heartbroken but I thought it was for the best to clear our heads.  He is still a good friend of mine.  I care about him.  He was there for me when I was suicidal a few years ago and didn't give up on me.








and last but not least...My Mum:

I am very close to my mum.  However I don't see her even though I live in the same house as her.  You see...my brother craves 110% of her attention 24/7.  He became quite abusive...and my mum feels she has to be there when he wants her.  Which is all the time.  My brother doesn't want to know me.  I overheard him say he "never wanted a sister".  So I removed him from my life.  Was I upset?  Yes.  At one point we were close...but he became distant and aggressive towards everyone.  Now he is just a stranger to me...and my mum just can't cope.  When I see her...briefly....I try and make her smile.  Otherwise she just cries and wants to give up.  She means the world to me.  She is housebound by agoraphobia.  Something I had for about a year.  I grew up not being able to go shopping with my mum, going on holidays etc.  But she is a fab mum and that's all that matters.

Interesting Night

I was with a friend of mine tonight when a girl I worked with briefly sent me a text message.  She is a close friend of mine but I don't see her often as we both changed jobs.  I have always felt like I can relate to her as we both have depression and a lot going on in our lives.  However when she tells me why she is low I always see me in the past.  Similar situations, thoughts, feelings etc.

Anyway she was alone at the park and needed a friend so I went to see her.  She had been crying and I was worried.  I tried cheering her up as best as I could after a heart to heart and took her to my house.  Poor girl was freezing cold.  She had been at the park from 4pm and it was now around 9pm.

I did something I have never ever done before.  The diaries I wrote from the age of 13 to help me cope...I never show anyone.  However...I dug them out and let her look.  She was fascinated by them.  She said how much of a great idea it was and it's something she might start doing to help her.

I have always seen my diaries not as a book....but as a friend.  You can tell it what ever you want, whenever you want.  I know they have helped me so I hope they help her.

I care about her a lot and I worry about her.  I hope she pull through the bad times.  Deep down she is a bubbly, happy, hyper person.  A bit like me.

Cute & Fluffy Things In My Life...

Just thought I would throw in a few pictures of my pets...they always make me smile.  They all have their different attitudes and ways like us.

I have 4 Guinea Pigs (all female) and I have 3 hamsters (two male, one female).

Truffles was my first piggy.  She was 11 months when I got her Jan 2010.

Smudge was my second.  She was 4 months old.  Not long after getting her I noticed a lump that was getting bigger.  She ended up having an operation.  She pulled through and the lump was removed but she didn't heal too well.  She kept ripping out the stitches and staples.  The vets and I tried everything but she insisted on ripping them out!  In the end we had to dose her up on strong painkillers that knocked her out.  This resulted in her not eating and her weight plummeted.  She became so gaunt and frail but after many vet visits and weeks of suffering...she bounced back and is now healthy and happy....and noisy!

Muffin...she is so adorable.  She was only a baby when I got her...she was about 2 months old.  She had this little tuft of hair that went into a pointy mohawk.  I fell in love and got her.  She has got fluffier and fluffier and now has a full on fringe!  She is gorgeous though.
  

Bo.  She was about a month old when I got her.  She was so so so tiny! She is kept with Smudge who has taken to mothering her.  She is adorable.  She's a fussy eater though!

As for hamsters...

I got Pippa first.  She is now a year old.  Unfortunately you can't handle her.  She doesn't like to play etc....she just goes for your fingers.  I know first hand she has sharp teeth.

Then I got little Frankie.  I shouldn't have favourites...but he is adorable.  He is so gentle.  He is around 9 months old.

Charlie...I adopted him when I found out someone was giving away their hamster.  I took him in.  I don't know how old he is but they said they thought he was around the 6 month mark.  So he would be about a year old now.  All he does is sleep, come out in the evening for food...then goes back to bed!  He is so so so lazy. X

School

Hello again,

I have had nothing but positive feedback since making this blog.  Friends have said it was a great idea and also some even said they shed a  tear or two while reading it.  I never expected a response like that but I feel like i'm doing something good out of it.

Depression is something not easily noticeable in a person.  They might look happy, bubbly and positive on the outside...but falling apart on the inside.  This is where I fit in...I  am one of those people.

Many things have contributed to my depression....my last post basically was  about how it started.  Everything was just a spiral downwards from then on.  Sure there were some positives...but I still felt lower than low.

I am a "happy", fun, giggly, jokey and loud kind of person....around the people  who know me best.  To every one else....I look shy, uneasy, awkward etc.  I guess it's a fear of what they will  make of me.  I  instantly think people will dislike me.  I've always had that.  And when you get bullied as bad as I did...you just feel like no one will ever like you.  I  try to be more social now.  These days...if there is a work do...I will go.  I used to turn them down left, right and center thinking "they wont actually want me there surely".  But I feel by going to these sorts of things now...it helps me get to know people better and make me feel more comfortable and confident around them.  It's just always a hard thing to push yourself to do it.  But it's worth it in the end.

Carrying on from my last post (which was long but actually pretty brief really)...I left school aged 14 on an authorized absence.  What happened was my social worker Avril said to me "complete one week of school and see how you feel on Friday".  The thought of doing a full week at school terrified me.  I was shaking.  However somehow...I managed it.  I hated every second of it.  The teachers were all being OTT nice to me.  It was so fake which actually angered me.  I thought "so you won't stop them kicking me in but you'll now act all nice like you give a hoot now?"  By this point I didn't care anymore really.  If i'm truly honest...I knew I wanted to leave.  I stuck it out...kept to myself...avoided the constant stares...and just watched the clock every day for it to hit 3pm.  It just couldn't come quick enough.

I used to watch people in class laughing, joking, having a good time in lessons and involving teachers in their jokes.  How could they enjoy school  so much?  It wasn't fun...it was horrific.  But they didn't get bullied like me.  They were known as the "Popular" kids.  Everyone wanted to be in their group.  This is how it was at my school.  You had different "classes".....Populars, Geeks, Freaks and the group that was popular but didn't hang with the populars.  Sort of a separate group.  I was no doubt in the "freak" group.  It sounds ridiculous...and it is.  But that's how we were seen at school.  Everyone fit into a group and I picked the wrong straw it seems.

On my last day at school I remember sitting in science.  My head teacher Mr Wheeler came in.  I was in year 10 and never once had he spoken a word to me ever.  Until today.  He came into the class, stood next to me and said "you have such lovely handwriting Diana" and started asking me how I was feeling.  Like he cared?  Since when did he care beforehand?  He even saw someone yell abuse at me in the playground once and laughed.  I simply turned to him and said "I don't want to be here".  His face dropped.  When he asked me why I said...."because I have had enough of feeling like this".  And with that he simply walked away.

In GNVQ Health and Social Care...my teacher Mrs Green saw I was being picked on and feeling miserable. I used to walk into the class crying most days.  Instead of removing the people who bullied me in the class...she removed me.  She took me to one side one day and said "I think it's best you drop this course".  Yet I was getting good grades for the work I had done while the others didn't.  But they saw it easier removing me.  I felt like the school had failed me.  I still do.  Even now when I walk past the building sometimes or drive past I feel sick and tend not to look.  I try and get past as quick as possible.

When I told my social worker i had enough she didn't seem too surprised.  I said I gave it my best shot but had just given up.  It angers me that I gave up good grades and possible good GCSE results because of bullies.  The school constantly denied they had a bullying problem but yet they always had anti-bullying things going on.  One assembly they promoted a classroom at lunch time you could go in and speak to a "buddy" to help you if you were getting bullied.  I went in and all the people there to help were the ones bullying me in the first place.  Useless.  I couldn't walk out quick enough.

I ended up going to a place called Granville House to complete year 10.  I met someone called Mrs Gay who became my tutor for a few months.  I felt awkward as most people there had learning disabilities...I didn't.  I found the work too easy.  Maths questions like 10 x 3 or 5 +4 + 2.  I had to read a few paragraphs of a kids story every day....fill in missing words etc.  Felt like I was in year 3 again.  But I stuck it out.  When I completed it I got a certificate and a cinema voucher.

They referred me to a place called Belle House.  I met Dr. Penny Thomson who wasn't much help at all.  I had to fill out a form on how I felt...and she just read it back to me.  Didn't really do or say much else.  My dad was with me and he was angry.  He didn't want to be there.  He was fed up of me and all these visits from social workers and seeing doctors.  He didn't believe I had a problem.  He just thought I couldn't be bothered with school.  She told my dad she was going to give me something to "make me feel happier".  I remember my dad asking if they were anti-depressants to which she replied no.  Took the prescription to the pharmacy and sure enough they were anti-depressants.

When I got home and dad told her she was crying her eyes out.  She felt like she had failed me.  She begged me not to take them as I was only 14.  I threw them in the bin.  I didn't think a tablet could help me anyway.
My social worker recommended I went to the careers service and saw an advisor.  Her name was Lisa Haywood.  She was lovely.  She told me about Flexi-Learning at the college literally 2 mins away from my house.  I wouldn't have to pay for any courses as I was only 14.  I thought it was my only hope at getting a job.  After all I had nothing.  So I started attending every morning.  The tutors were lovely.  There was Glenis, Michelle and Sue.  All of them made me feel welcome.  I did New CLAIT, Word Processing, Audio Transcription and Text Production in the space of a year.  I felt great.  But when it came to typing up a CV I just stared at a blank screen.  I had nothing to put on it apart from my new qualifications.  Glenis helped me out and i saved it onto a floppy disc for when I needed it.

My dad started to pester me every day to get a job.  Every time he bumped into me he yelled at me GET A JOB.  It wasn't that easy for me.  I still didn't have any confidence.  Sure I was a bit better but I hated myself still.  I looked a mess, felt a mess and thought no one would want to employ me.  My social worker parted ways with me when I was 15.  She left to go to another job.  I was heartbroken.  She was such an amazing friend of mine.  We wrote occasionally but she left her job again and never knew where she went.  I would love to speak to her again.

I stayed unemployed for ages.  I started hanging out with a friend of mine I met through someone.  I had huge feeling for him come the end.  But he kept telling my friend Helen he didn't like me in that way.  I said "why would he want me anyway?".  I saw him as often as I could.  Because I didn't work I became nocturnal.  Luckily for me he was too.  We used to walk around 1am-5am sometimes just chatting.  He used to hug me all the time and make me feel better about myself.  When he kissed me once I just froze.  Guys had never shown that kind of interest in me....ever.  So my confidence slowly started to grow.  I had stopped self-harming by this point.  Also all the walking during the night helped shift some weight.  It was nice to walk around in the dark.  So quiet.  It didn't panic me like trying to go out during the day.  I made the most of it.

When I type about my past like this...it brings tears to my eyes.  At the time I felt so many different emotions. I still feel hurt and angry about things that could have been different.  But I also now feel proud of myself.  I never thought I would be where I am now looking back.  I will add some more tomorrow or maybe later.

Thanks for reading...please comment or leave stories/feedback.  X

Why I'm Here...

Hello bloggers.

I am new to this site.  I would just like to say a bit about me and why I am here really.

Firstly my name is Diana.  I am 22 years old and live on an island called Guernsey in the Channel Islands, UK.

I haven't had a great life.  I know there are thousands/millions of people worse of than me...but I keep a lot to myself.  I have always been a private person.  I started being severely bullied at my school when I was 12.  I was always the quiet, shy, teacher's pet kinda girl in the class.  I had some confidence but always seemed too scared to try and speak up above others or answer questions i knew were right "just incase" i could be wrong and made fun of.  People 2 years above me who I didn't even know picked on me.  One slammed my face into a moving door as I was heading to maths.  Everyone laughed as I cried.  People wouldn't sit by me in class and called me horrible things.  Guys spat at me...in my hair...on my face...even threw their fizzy drinks all over me infront of everyone in the playground.  Mocked me and taunted me.

My feet turn inwards slightly.  I remember 2 girls in year 10 (when i was in year 7) used to walk past me with their feet turned right in and looking thick saying "Look at me i'm Diana" and laugh.  I had long hair my mum wouldn't let me cut...so they used to grab it and yank it as they walked past pulling me with them.  Pure agony.

I had a lot of friends....none of them particularly popular.  Infact my group of friends seemed to be a group of people that got picked on one way or another.  We all got on great.  Atleast that was what I thought...unfortunately people in my group were quite two-faced.  They believed anything they heard.  This caused a lot of arguments within the group.  I tried to stay out of them unless people bad mouthed me.  I would just purely defend myself and leave it there.

My absence at school gradually got worse and worse.  I always pulled sickies and eventually stopped almost completely because i developed a fear of school.  My parents didn't believe me of course.  They saw a kid not wanting to go to school.  But every morning when I got out of bed I felt physically sick thinking about that place. Sometimes i'd be sprinting to the bathroom to be sick.  It was horrible.  Getting ready for school when I was made to go was a task and a half.  I prolonged it for as long as possible.  Ended up being late for school many times because of it.

When I went one day....my friends decided they didn't want me in their group anymore and started to bully me.  You think they would know how it felt...but they didn't care.  I was already feeling so upset all the time and this was the final nail in the coffin for me.  My own friends hated me for no reason at all.  I had no one.

Constant name calling, rumors, damaging my things, threatening me, embarrassing me, hitting me....I couldn't face it anymore.  I begged teachers to help me.  They said "can't do anything unless we see it happen".

My dad spoke to my year co-ordinator.  His advice?  "Get counselling to deal with it or change school"  My dad hit the roof...but he didn't care.  Those were my 2 options.  Like or lump it.

My parents were fed up of me not going to school....My dad and I were so close.  Now he hated me.  Threatened me with going to a care home.  They had letters saying they could face imprisonment if I didn't attend school.  I felt terrible.  My brother (older and only sibling) constantly made fun of me.  Made me feel so small.  Every birthday card or christmas card....he would draw a chart and write how many days i attended school and what my "sickness" excuses were...and find it amusing.  He never understood how I felt.  When I cried he laughed harder.  I couldn't win.

At 14 I got a social worker called Avril.  She was so lovely to me.  Through her she referred me to a man called Adrian for councelling.  Nothing helped though.  I still felt the same.  I ended up giving up the sessions out of anger and frustration.  I ended up leaving school on an authorized absence.  No GCSE's...no friends...nothing.  What happened when I left?....A few months later some of the people who bullied me left.

I had no other family...my dad's side of the family didn't want to know us.  My dad had a falling out with them years ago so i missed out seeing all my cousins grow up.  My mum's side of the family all lived in Huddersfield .  I had only met my Nana and Grandad from that side of the family.  They only came over twice that I can remember.  I was about 5 and maybe 7 years old.  As for my dad's side of the family...I only saw my Gran and her cat Tootsie.  They died when I was 13.

The worst thing being...When I went into school on the first day of term, it was the day before my Gran's funeral.  I gave the teacher a note to say I wouldn't be in school because of the funeral.  And the teacher said "Is that your excuse this time then?"  Heartbreaking.  And that was infront of the whole class.  I sat down and cried.  Teacher's mocked me now.  The one time I couldn't go for a serious reason and my own teacher laughs at me.

I slowly started giving up on life.  I lost my best friend and other friends, my family seemed to hate me...I started comfort eating and self harming.  People saw it as attention seeking.  I saw it as a way of punishing myself for being nothing but an inconvenience to people.  I cry now as I type this at just how low I truly felt.  My weight rocketed.  I went from a size 12 to an 18 in a few months.  Eventually ending up a size 20/22 aged 14.  I stayed indoors in my room everyday unless I needed the loo.  Ate nothing but junk.  Clothes got smaller as my waist got bigger.  I ended up wearing my dad's clothes to hide the flab.  I felt disgusting...but I hated myself anyway so who cared?

My now ex-best friend had introduced me to a girl a year or so before called Helen.  I randomly contacted her.  My only way of communicating was text or online at this point.  When we met up...I was horrified.  I couldn't leave my house.  I froze solid on the spot.  I saw the gate and just couldn't reach it.  I ran upstairs to my room where I felt "safe" away from the world.  What had happened to me?  Helen had to come into my house and stay there for hours.  I was so embarrassed.  How could I tell her I was too scared to leave my own home.

In the end...when it became obvious over time...I told her.  I had agoraphobia.  This was something close to home.  My mum had been housebound because of this crippling phobia for years and years.  And now, I too had it.  I didn't want to be like that.  As soon as I stepped out the door and heard someone down the end of the road heading my way...I dived back into the house.  Gasping for breath, shaking, feeling almost faint.  Helen seemed worried and so was I.

Thanks to Helen's patience...Every day I tried harder and harder.  From reaching the gate and back...the the end of the road and back...to the shop and back...she was there for me.  She became my rock.  I owe her everything.  Without her...I feel I would still be in this room.  Now I can walk anyway, go anywhere, see anyone.  My Social Phobia i developed is a constant battle...but I try not to let it defeat me.  You get good days and bad.  But 99% of the time it's good.  It's rare now I hide away from people.  But I can still get out of the house...which of course is always a good thing.

That's just a very small part of what happened to make me depressed.  And that was put in brief really.  The diaries I made...I started when I was trapped in my room.  I still write them to this day.  I now have 14 books.  I don't let people read them.  I hope one day to publish them and help other people.  This is now why I have decided to also share these thoughts and feelings online.  But for now i will focus on the past so you get an idea of why I feel like I do now.

If you have any feedback, similar stories or advice please contact me.  Depression is something close to my heart as it's an illness i fight everyday.

Thank you for reading and I shall blog again soon. X