Hurting

I know it's been a while since I posted a blog.
Unfortunately I haven't had the heart to do anything in the last week.

I went to Newcastle and onto Huddersfield two Sunday's ago....I left Guernsey the happiest girl I had been in a long while.  Things were looking good with my bf of almost 6 years (slightly on/off at one point) and I was looking forward to seeing my family and my best friend in the UK.

I couldn't wait to come home and see him.  I text him every day telling him i missed him.
I come home on the Wednesday and he picks me up and we are happy as anything to see each other.  He dropped me off home after a quick drive around the island and told each other we love each other and said goodnight.

The next morning I wake up feeling pretty great.  My best friend is in Guernsey after arriving a day before me and I was looking forward to seeing her.  I also couldn't wait to see my bf when he finished work at 4pm.

It was around lunch time and he text me asking if we were having tea together and I said yes.  He seemed happy and everything normal.  Then minutes later...i'm dumped.  Just like that.  It's over, finished, done.

I was hysterical.  I got my dad to take me down to his work and he kept fobbing me off telling me it was all over and telling me to leave the shop.  I was a complete and utter wreck.  I felt my heart breaking into the tiniest pieces.  He showed no emotion.  Just minutes before he loved me and now he didn't want me anymore.

I was so confused, hurt, angry and in so much unbearable pain.

I came home to find my best friend talking to my mum and I simply said "he's left me" and broke down in a heap.  My best friend Helen hugged me tight and my mum cried her eyes out saying "it can't be...why?  why?"
My mum loved him to bits.

Everything after that moment is a complete blur of pain.  I have never felt such emotion as I have the last week.  He said he doesn't love me anymore and told me to move on.  He is already flirting with someone else.  Someone 6 years younger aged 18 who he started speaking to just a few weeks before.  I blame her for all of this.  I saw an email she sent him saying she liked him a lot.  I stupidly told him and he said he was shocked as he didnt think she liked him.  He replied saying he was with me and she said "ok we can be friends....for now"

I questioned him as to why she would say "for now" and he just shrugged it off and said "no idea"

I now feel I know why.

I am completely and utterly heartbroken.  I have begged, cried, screamed, prayed...everything to get him to take me back.  But he has shown no emotion at all.  Not a tear.  He is always seeing, texting and on the phone to her now.  I have been completely pushed aside.  Words cannot express my pain right now.

Today would have been our 6 year anniversary.  He hasn't given a single thought about me and my feelings right now.  Last night he saw her while I sat in bed trying not to cry myself to sleep.

His family have also pushed me away.  Sent back my money I paid for Lee Evans which is in September as I can't go now.  Something I had been looking forward to since the beginning of the year.  I can only guess who will sit in my place.

All I can think about is him.  How much I miss him.  We were engaged for 4 years.  At one point we were trying for a baby and saving up for a place to live.  He lived with me for over 4 years.  He wasn't just my boyfriend...he was my best friend.  Now I feel I have nothing.  I feel completely empty.

I have no job, no friends and now I have lost the love of my life so suddenly.  I am at the lowest of low.  I went to the doctor and been put on strong anti-depressants and been offered counselling as I told my doctor I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.  At one point I also wanted to hang myself in my room.  The pain is that unbearable.  I feel I have nowhere to turn to for help.  Feeling punished for doing nothing wrong.

That girl will never know how she has ruined my life.  He was my everything.  Just over a week ago we were so happy.  I never saw this coming.  I just can't bear it anymore.

So many memories I will keep with me forever...even if he doesn't want to remember them.
I love him so much.

Relationships, Break Ups, Hurting & Suicide

One thing I haven't really mentioned was when I was suicidal.

The first time I considered it I was 14.  I have an attic bedroom and I actually planned out how I would do it.  The only reason I didn't was because of how upset my best friend was when I mentioned it.

The second time was when I broke up with my first boyfriend Chris.  I was 16 and he was 21.  I never ever ever thought I would get a boyfriend.  After all guys hated me.  He found me on a website online and we got chatting etc.  He seemed to like me and asked me out.  I was over the moon.  I couldn't stop talking about him at all.  I must have driven people mad.  However my dad didn't like this from the start saying I didn't know him well enough etc.  Caused even more friction.

Anyway....I told my best friend that I had developed strong feelings for him.  The only problem was he didn't seem very interested in me after a while.  He dumped me several times and messed with my emotions on too many occasions.  I didn't know if I was coming or going.

2 days before my 17th birthday everything seemed to be going fine.  I was off to the island of Jersey with my best friend Helen, my mum and dad.  When I was away....I kept saying to Helen "something isn't right..."  I was irritable on the whole 3 days.  My birthday being the worst.  I came back to Guernsey the day of my birthday....and I remember being in a foul mood with everyone but Helen.  My mum told me to snap out of it but I just felt like something was playing on my mind.  The night before I had a "nightmare".  I dreamt that Chris had dumped me online.  When I told Helen she said "don't be silly mate....things will be fine".

I got home...went online onto "MSN" where I spoke to Chris most of the time.  He was set as online but wasn't replying to anything.  Obviously I started to panic.  Eventually after what must have been an hour I cried and went to bed.  The next morning I dived straight back on to the computer and he was online again.  This time speaking to me fine.  I was so happy.  Until he said he needed to speak to me.  I asked bluntly if he was going to dump me and he said we just needed to talk.  I just cried.  I knew what was coming.  I text Helen and said my nightmare was coming true.  He picked me up...and we went to his house...and he dumped me.  Just like that.  I was heartbroken.  I loved him but I felt nothing back at all.  I begged for ages to take me back...but not long after he got with someone else.  Funnily enough a friend of mine.  I just lost the plot.  I completely cracked.

I hid away in my room, didn't eat a thing, just cried and cried and even hysterically screamed at times.  My parents were worried sick...this was the first time my dad had shown he cared in my eyes at this point in ages.  He even tried to make me eat something.  I was wasting away.  I went from an 18 to a size 10/12 in 3 months.  Helen said I looked like a ghost.  My mum was horrified.  All my clothes hung off me.  However being skinny made me feel a bit better.  But the thoughts of ending it all came back and I started to self harm again.  The only thing that stopped me this time was when I met a guy called Lee through a friend.  He begged me not to do something silly.  If at any point he thought I was going to...before I knew it he would be at my house checking to see if I was ok.  He kept me busy taking me out for drives and seeing me for chats to take my mind off things.  I put him through complete hell.  After a while he asked me out...I said yes.  Deep down I knew I shouldnt have been in a relationship but I just wanted to feel loved.  After 4 months he said he loved me.  I was shocked.  But I couldn't say it back.  I didn't feel it.  I still loved Chris.  I felt terrible.  However he put up with me and my hysterical moments of madness and we grew closer and closer.  Eventually we got engaged.  I still loved Chris though but I thought I had to try and move on.  And I cared for Lee deeply.

When Chris broke up with his girlfriend he said he wanted me back.  I was torn between him and Lee for weeks.  I felt like a total bitch choosing one over the other.  In the end I chose Lee....but then as I thought maybe I should give it one more try...he got into another relationship.  This time to my now ex-best friend.  This girl was someone I had poured my heart out to about the break up.  And the whole time she was sleeping with him.  They denied it...but it was obvious.  And others told me they had.  I was heartbroken.  It was this time I attempted it.  I didn't want to live any more.  On this small island you see the same people every day.  And I couldn't hack seeing them together.  Lee and I argued, I lost the will to live and I just wanted to die.  It was the lowest time of my life.  Helen (who knew her) was gobsmacked and couldn't believe they would do that to me.  She rubbed it in my face all over the internet for me to see how happy they were together, talking about their sex life etc.  I was a total wreck.

Somehow....I managed to get out alive.  The support from Helen helped loads.  And when Lee decided not to have a go at me about getting over it....and instead helping me cope with it....really made a difference.  I started to see that maybe it was a good thing not being with him.  After all he had treated me like crap since the start.  She was no friend of mine.  Maybe I should forget them and move on as best as I could after all.

It took 3 and a half years to try and push them to the back of my mind.  I had good days and bad days and awful days where I didn't want to wake up.  But I didn't let them finish me off.  I'm still here.  In 2009 I broke up with Lee after being together for 4 years.  He broke up with her....and contacted me.  Then we got back with our partners for a short while and broke up again.  He then asked for another go....and stupidly after everything I said yes.  11 months later after going through various problems I left him.  This time he begged me over and over again.  But there's only so much someone can take.  And I don't want to constantly feel shit about myself...So as much as it upsets me (as I will always love him regardless of how he was to me)...I feel we are just better off apart.  Time can only tell whether I was right.

Why I'm Here...

Hello bloggers.

I am new to this site.  I would just like to say a bit about me and why I am here really.

Firstly my name is Diana.  I am 22 years old and live on an island called Guernsey in the Channel Islands, UK.

I haven't had a great life.  I know there are thousands/millions of people worse of than me...but I keep a lot to myself.  I have always been a private person.  I started being severely bullied at my school when I was 12.  I was always the quiet, shy, teacher's pet kinda girl in the class.  I had some confidence but always seemed too scared to try and speak up above others or answer questions i knew were right "just incase" i could be wrong and made fun of.  People 2 years above me who I didn't even know picked on me.  One slammed my face into a moving door as I was heading to maths.  Everyone laughed as I cried.  People wouldn't sit by me in class and called me horrible things.  Guys spat at me...in my hair...on my face...even threw their fizzy drinks all over me infront of everyone in the playground.  Mocked me and taunted me.

My feet turn inwards slightly.  I remember 2 girls in year 10 (when i was in year 7) used to walk past me with their feet turned right in and looking thick saying "Look at me i'm Diana" and laugh.  I had long hair my mum wouldn't let me cut...so they used to grab it and yank it as they walked past pulling me with them.  Pure agony.

I had a lot of friends....none of them particularly popular.  Infact my group of friends seemed to be a group of people that got picked on one way or another.  We all got on great.  Atleast that was what I thought...unfortunately people in my group were quite two-faced.  They believed anything they heard.  This caused a lot of arguments within the group.  I tried to stay out of them unless people bad mouthed me.  I would just purely defend myself and leave it there.

My absence at school gradually got worse and worse.  I always pulled sickies and eventually stopped almost completely because i developed a fear of school.  My parents didn't believe me of course.  They saw a kid not wanting to go to school.  But every morning when I got out of bed I felt physically sick thinking about that place. Sometimes i'd be sprinting to the bathroom to be sick.  It was horrible.  Getting ready for school when I was made to go was a task and a half.  I prolonged it for as long as possible.  Ended up being late for school many times because of it.

When I went one day....my friends decided they didn't want me in their group anymore and started to bully me.  You think they would know how it felt...but they didn't care.  I was already feeling so upset all the time and this was the final nail in the coffin for me.  My own friends hated me for no reason at all.  I had no one.

Constant name calling, rumors, damaging my things, threatening me, embarrassing me, hitting me....I couldn't face it anymore.  I begged teachers to help me.  They said "can't do anything unless we see it happen".

My dad spoke to my year co-ordinator.  His advice?  "Get counselling to deal with it or change school"  My dad hit the roof...but he didn't care.  Those were my 2 options.  Like or lump it.

My parents were fed up of me not going to school....My dad and I were so close.  Now he hated me.  Threatened me with going to a care home.  They had letters saying they could face imprisonment if I didn't attend school.  I felt terrible.  My brother (older and only sibling) constantly made fun of me.  Made me feel so small.  Every birthday card or christmas card....he would draw a chart and write how many days i attended school and what my "sickness" excuses were...and find it amusing.  He never understood how I felt.  When I cried he laughed harder.  I couldn't win.

At 14 I got a social worker called Avril.  She was so lovely to me.  Through her she referred me to a man called Adrian for councelling.  Nothing helped though.  I still felt the same.  I ended up giving up the sessions out of anger and frustration.  I ended up leaving school on an authorized absence.  No GCSE's...no friends...nothing.  What happened when I left?....A few months later some of the people who bullied me left.

I had no other family...my dad's side of the family didn't want to know us.  My dad had a falling out with them years ago so i missed out seeing all my cousins grow up.  My mum's side of the family all lived in Huddersfield .  I had only met my Nana and Grandad from that side of the family.  They only came over twice that I can remember.  I was about 5 and maybe 7 years old.  As for my dad's side of the family...I only saw my Gran and her cat Tootsie.  They died when I was 13.

The worst thing being...When I went into school on the first day of term, it was the day before my Gran's funeral.  I gave the teacher a note to say I wouldn't be in school because of the funeral.  And the teacher said "Is that your excuse this time then?"  Heartbreaking.  And that was infront of the whole class.  I sat down and cried.  Teacher's mocked me now.  The one time I couldn't go for a serious reason and my own teacher laughs at me.

I slowly started giving up on life.  I lost my best friend and other friends, my family seemed to hate me...I started comfort eating and self harming.  People saw it as attention seeking.  I saw it as a way of punishing myself for being nothing but an inconvenience to people.  I cry now as I type this at just how low I truly felt.  My weight rocketed.  I went from a size 12 to an 18 in a few months.  Eventually ending up a size 20/22 aged 14.  I stayed indoors in my room everyday unless I needed the loo.  Ate nothing but junk.  Clothes got smaller as my waist got bigger.  I ended up wearing my dad's clothes to hide the flab.  I felt disgusting...but I hated myself anyway so who cared?

My now ex-best friend had introduced me to a girl a year or so before called Helen.  I randomly contacted her.  My only way of communicating was text or online at this point.  When we met up...I was horrified.  I couldn't leave my house.  I froze solid on the spot.  I saw the gate and just couldn't reach it.  I ran upstairs to my room where I felt "safe" away from the world.  What had happened to me?  Helen had to come into my house and stay there for hours.  I was so embarrassed.  How could I tell her I was too scared to leave my own home.

In the end...when it became obvious over time...I told her.  I had agoraphobia.  This was something close to home.  My mum had been housebound because of this crippling phobia for years and years.  And now, I too had it.  I didn't want to be like that.  As soon as I stepped out the door and heard someone down the end of the road heading my way...I dived back into the house.  Gasping for breath, shaking, feeling almost faint.  Helen seemed worried and so was I.

Thanks to Helen's patience...Every day I tried harder and harder.  From reaching the gate and back...the the end of the road and back...to the shop and back...she was there for me.  She became my rock.  I owe her everything.  Without her...I feel I would still be in this room.  Now I can walk anyway, go anywhere, see anyone.  My Social Phobia i developed is a constant battle...but I try not to let it defeat me.  You get good days and bad.  But 99% of the time it's good.  It's rare now I hide away from people.  But I can still get out of the house...which of course is always a good thing.

That's just a very small part of what happened to make me depressed.  And that was put in brief really.  The diaries I made...I started when I was trapped in my room.  I still write them to this day.  I now have 14 books.  I don't let people read them.  I hope one day to publish them and help other people.  This is now why I have decided to also share these thoughts and feelings online.  But for now i will focus on the past so you get an idea of why I feel like I do now.

If you have any feedback, similar stories or advice please contact me.  Depression is something close to my heart as it's an illness i fight everyday.

Thank you for reading and I shall blog again soon. X