Not Feeling Great Today

Woken up feeling ill today...same thing happened the other day.  It's like i'm coming down with something...then it starts to get better...then it comes back...and so on.  It's rather annoying.

Got a lot to do today.  Been trying to keep myself busy so I don't think about things.
Whether I will get it all done today...is another matter.

Gotta go to the post office, bank, see a friend at the park, pick up Chris, go to the tip, go to the shop....and so on.  Never-ending list at the moment lol.

I'm still feeling horrendously down in the dumps.  Lee no longer wishes to speak to me.  I won't admit that it hurts...because I like to atleast stay friends with people...but then at the same time...I don't think I want to be friends with someone who can hurt me so bad and not even care or show a hint of emotion.  Heartless and cold it seems.  I don't have time for people like that in my life.  Unfortunately I wasted a huge chunk of my life with this person...but you live and you learn.

The friend I am seeing later at the park is someone who made my life a bit unbearable at school.  She was part of the gang of people that eventually made me leave.  I couldn't cope.  However...people grow up (you would hope) and she realised she was a bitch..as she quoted...and we get along fine.  So might aswell...nothing to lose.  I need friends more than ever right now anyway.  She knows i'm in a fragile state.

Last thing before I go...

A random picture:  Chris' kitty....Ellie.  Isn't she gorgeous? :) xx

Grand Theft Auto - San Andreas

My god do I want to play this game again so bad.  LOVED IT.  Had so many happy memories of when I was 16/17 and my best friend Helen coming round to my house after school.  We used to play it for hours on end.  So much fun!  I still prefer it to the recent one.

I remember just getting in a car and zooming off to the county part of the map and whacking on the K-ROSE radio station and listening to some awesome tunes.  Bed of Rose's, I Love a Rainy Night, One Step Forward, Louisiana Woman-Mississippi Man...amazing!

Memories....

and my fav:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H027APFs8vc&feature=related
For some reason the video won't work on here.  Meh.

And some piccies of the countryside where my friend and I spent most of the time driving round!

It's funny when you look back at the graphics but god I loved this game.

Untitled Blog Post

Finding life unbearable at the moment.  Wondering how much longer i'm going to be around.  I'm frightened but no one can help me.  I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Me.

Just a pic of me.

Paramore - Monster

Love this song at the moment...

You were my conscience
so solid now you're like water
We started drowning
not like we'd sink any further
But I let my heart go
it's somewhere down at the bottom
But I'll get a new one.
come back for the hope that you've stolen

I'll stop the whole world
I'll stop the whole world
from turning into a monster, and eating us alive
Don't you ever wonder how we'd survive?
But now that you're gone the world is ours

I'm only human
I've got a skeleton in me
But I'm not the villain
despite what you're always preaching
Call me a traitor
I'm just collecting your victims
They're getting stronger,
I hear them calling

I'll stop the whole world
I'll stop the whole world
from turning into a monster, and eating us alive
Don't you ever wonder how we'd survive?
But now that you're gone the world is ours

Well you found us strength and solutions but I liked the tension
And not always knowing the answers when you're gonna lose it, you're gonna lose it.

I'll stop the whole world
I'll stop the whole world
from turning into a monster, and eating us alive
Don't you ever wonder how we'd survive?
But now that you're gone the world is ours

I'll stop the whole world
I'll stop the whole world
from turning into a monster, and eating us alive
Don't you ever wonder how we'd survive?
But now that you're gone the world is ours

Photoshoot - Newcastle

I've lost a stone in weight since these pictures were taken last month due to recent events.
It kind of upsets me a bit to look at them.
2 days after these were taken my world just seemed to fall apart.

Speechless

Hi.

Been going through a very difficult, painful time.  Like I said in a previous post my boyfriend of 6 years left me for someone else.

He will now no longer speak to me even though he said he wanted to stay friends.  His family seem to now hate me.  I am fed up of feeling like this.  I have been suicidal of late and have been close to ending my life several times.  I don't think I could possibly be much lower than how I feel right now.

I had to go to a mental health place and get assessed but they couldn't help me even though i'm a danger to myself.  I was supposed to have counselling but they said it won't help me.

I feel like no one can help me.  I don't feel as though I have anything to live for.  I have no job, my boyfriend/best friend has left me and my family is a mess.  Financially I have nothing to live on as I have a loan and credit card etc to pay along with my phone contact and car insurance...I am just living on what's in my bank account which is rapidly running out.  I can't get a job in the state I am in as I know I either won't stick at it because of my depression or i'll get sacked.

I really need to get off this Island.  I don't want to see him and her together acting all happy.  I want some happiness.  People keep telling me to leave here and go to the UK and start a fresh.  I am so tempted but I just worry about my pets.  I don't know how I would go about taking them over.  All I know is that I can't cope here anymore.  The place is nothing but painful memories now.  I need a new start.  It's the only hope I have.

Steam

I have a Steam account now...feel free to add me:  xxFallingStar

Counselling

So things are pretty bad at the moment and i'm in a pretty bad way.

Like I said in my last post...my bf of 6 years dumped me and wont even talk to me anymore.  He is already flirting with someone else...he even made reference on his facebook as to me being a "mistake of the past" which hurt like hell.

And then to top it off 2 days ago my little Pippa died in my hands.  It was the one thing that pushed me over the edge and i broke down in a heap.

I have counselling starting on Monday due to me being mentally unfit to work.
Let's see what happens shall we.  I'll keep you posted.

Rest in Peace Pippa <3 xx

Hurting

I know it's been a while since I posted a blog.
Unfortunately I haven't had the heart to do anything in the last week.

I went to Newcastle and onto Huddersfield two Sunday's ago....I left Guernsey the happiest girl I had been in a long while.  Things were looking good with my bf of almost 6 years (slightly on/off at one point) and I was looking forward to seeing my family and my best friend in the UK.

I couldn't wait to come home and see him.  I text him every day telling him i missed him.
I come home on the Wednesday and he picks me up and we are happy as anything to see each other.  He dropped me off home after a quick drive around the island and told each other we love each other and said goodnight.

The next morning I wake up feeling pretty great.  My best friend is in Guernsey after arriving a day before me and I was looking forward to seeing her.  I also couldn't wait to see my bf when he finished work at 4pm.

It was around lunch time and he text me asking if we were having tea together and I said yes.  He seemed happy and everything normal.  Then minutes later...i'm dumped.  Just like that.  It's over, finished, done.

I was hysterical.  I got my dad to take me down to his work and he kept fobbing me off telling me it was all over and telling me to leave the shop.  I was a complete and utter wreck.  I felt my heart breaking into the tiniest pieces.  He showed no emotion.  Just minutes before he loved me and now he didn't want me anymore.

I was so confused, hurt, angry and in so much unbearable pain.

I came home to find my best friend talking to my mum and I simply said "he's left me" and broke down in a heap.  My best friend Helen hugged me tight and my mum cried her eyes out saying "it can't be...why?  why?"
My mum loved him to bits.

Everything after that moment is a complete blur of pain.  I have never felt such emotion as I have the last week.  He said he doesn't love me anymore and told me to move on.  He is already flirting with someone else.  Someone 6 years younger aged 18 who he started speaking to just a few weeks before.  I blame her for all of this.  I saw an email she sent him saying she liked him a lot.  I stupidly told him and he said he was shocked as he didnt think she liked him.  He replied saying he was with me and she said "ok we can be friends....for now"

I questioned him as to why she would say "for now" and he just shrugged it off and said "no idea"

I now feel I know why.

I am completely and utterly heartbroken.  I have begged, cried, screamed, prayed...everything to get him to take me back.  But he has shown no emotion at all.  Not a tear.  He is always seeing, texting and on the phone to her now.  I have been completely pushed aside.  Words cannot express my pain right now.

Today would have been our 6 year anniversary.  He hasn't given a single thought about me and my feelings right now.  Last night he saw her while I sat in bed trying not to cry myself to sleep.

His family have also pushed me away.  Sent back my money I paid for Lee Evans which is in September as I can't go now.  Something I had been looking forward to since the beginning of the year.  I can only guess who will sit in my place.

All I can think about is him.  How much I miss him.  We were engaged for 4 years.  At one point we were trying for a baby and saving up for a place to live.  He lived with me for over 4 years.  He wasn't just my boyfriend...he was my best friend.  Now I feel I have nothing.  I feel completely empty.

I have no job, no friends and now I have lost the love of my life so suddenly.  I am at the lowest of low.  I went to the doctor and been put on strong anti-depressants and been offered counselling as I told my doctor I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.  At one point I also wanted to hang myself in my room.  The pain is that unbearable.  I feel I have nowhere to turn to for help.  Feeling punished for doing nothing wrong.

That girl will never know how she has ruined my life.  He was my everything.  Just over a week ago we were so happy.  I never saw this coming.  I just can't bear it anymore.

So many memories I will keep with me forever...even if he doesn't want to remember them.
I love him so much.

Driving Test

Heya everyone!!

I had my driving test today and.....I PASSED!!!!
I am so so so happy!   I was shaking after he told me!  The adrenaline was immense!
Just got to sort out my licence and tell the insurance company tomorrow and it's all sorted!
Happy days!
X

More Photography

Please click for larger image. 

These pictures were taken of the sunset at Cobo Bay, Guernsey Channel Islands. X

Google Plus

Just to say i have a Google+ profile....so if anyone wants to add me to their circle....

https://plus.google.com/100247754454711236781

Not sure if that link works or not but give it a bash!

Also anyone on Twitter?

http://twitter.com/#!/xFallingStar X

Meh

Got my driving test today.  I usually keep it quiet but I guess it doesn't really matter if people know or not.  If I fail I fail!  Hopefully not though.  The last time I took my test it was a really bad day.  I was going through a mental breakdown and was dreading going in to work afterwards.  I just couldn't face the place come the end.  Then I had them phoning me in the morning stressing me out and I just fluffed it up completely.  I was a wreck.

I am a bit more relaxed this time round...and my lesson on Sunday was spot on.  Fingers crossed it all goes ok.
I could do with some luck.

Going to post a few pics in a bit.  Why not eh?  Brighten up this blog a bit. X

Re-Vamped

Hiya!

Done up my blog a little bit.  Made it a bit more personal :)

Added some piccies of my pets along the left hand side.
In order we have:

Guinea Pigs:

Truffles
Smudge
Muffin
Bo

Hamsters:

Pippa
Frankie
Charlie (who I adopted)

They are my homies. xx

Loving this

Got this on full blast in my room. <3

Tattoo Update 2

All booked!  September 9th.  Yay!

Random Blog

Hiya,

Haven't really done much today.  Did the Race For Life yesterday with my friend Kelsey which was fun.  We walked it and completed it in 1 hour and 2 minutes.  Not bad :)

Here is a piccy.
I look a bit knackered I apologize.

Then after that I had a driving lesson which went really well.  Doubt i'll pass my test anytime soon but atleast the lessons aren't a total fail.

Today I attempted to tidy up my bedroom.  After about 10 mins I gave up.  It's just going to have to stay like a tip!  In this heat at the moment I just don't have the energy.  My room is like a sauna in summer.  My PC likes to overheat on me often which is always fun when you are in the middle of something and it dies.

Took a random pic of me today.  I shall leave it below.  Toodle pip people. x

Random Photo

Just another random picture that I found on my external hdd.  Took it a few months ago.

Tattoo Update

Still no news on when my tattoo is going to be booked.  Maybe I should have gone to my usual tattooist after all.  Everyone said this one was better....sigh.

Come on bro sort it out eh!

Guinea Pig Poop.

Today has been a bit of a "meh" kind of day.

I went to book my tattoo...and the guy there is fully booked for 4 months.
So he gives me the e-mail address of the other tattooist who is free all day...and could do it today for me.
So i'm thinking "ah bargain" and contact him.
And hour later he replies saying he is doing design work and wont be able to do my tattoo today...but I can book for another day.
So I email back saying when i'm free etc...
No reply.
Ah he must be busy...
2 hours later...no reply.
Still busy probs...
5 hours later...no reply.
Ok maybe he has a lot on?
14 hours later...no reply.
Dude come on CHECK YOUR EMAIL AND BOOK MY TATTOO.
*sigh*

Oh well...just going to have to wait and see.
On the plus side I imagined it would cost a lot compared to the other tattoos i've had done...
And this other tattooist reckons £60.
I was thinking a more so...bargain.
But...
I WANT IT BOOKED!

Apart from that...just been a lazy day.  The weather has been pants.  Non-stop rain.

Had to take a couple of black sacks to the tip...which i've never done before.  It was my guinea pigs/hamsters sawdust etc after I had cleaned them.  Anyway my dad said they were too heavy to put in the normal rubbish...he tells me this a few days later after taking them outside.

MY GOD THEY STANK SO FRICKIN BAD.

I had every window of the sodding car open and all I could smell was Guinea pig poop and hamster pee.  It was pure VILE.

Never again.  I will pay my dad to do it for me.  Eurgh.

Hmmm

Not sure whether to continue with this whole blog thing.  Not many people seem to say anything. I looked through a whack of blogs...some of which were awesome...and again...no comments.  Seems such a shame really.  Blogging was so popular at one point on sites like this...now...meh.

New Tattoo

So I have been looking into a new tattoo for a while now.

I have two tattoo's already.

My first tattoo was a butterfly on my right side.
Please excuse the bad photo...it was taken on a mobile phone.

My second tattoo are the words "Nothing Lasts Forever" on my wrist.
People say it's a bit morbid...but it was something I said to myself that stuck when I went through a difficult time in my life.

Now I want a third tattoo....and I never wanted one on my neck until now.
I really like this and want something similar.
I love stars but so many people have them...but I also love butteflies so a mix of the 2 would be nice.
However that butterfly looks a bit bog standard to me so might change that.
But anyway i'm looking into booking this on Tuesday but tweeking it slightly.
Fingers crossed it looks nice.

I'm Watching You.

Feeling a bit "meh" today.
Haven't been feeling well for a while now.
Just generally feeling low etc.

Been trying to keep my mind busy but it's not easy on this Island.
Helps if there was something to actually put my mind to.
Photography helps.
And music.
Oh and my playstation helped a bit too.

My life sounds so boring.
Hang on...that's because it is.
*Sigh*

Hope everyone has a nice weekend out there...whatever you are doing.

Thanks for the comments on my blog too.
Much appreciated :)

Photography

A few more pics of mine.

Bo & Truffles

My homies.

My First Photoshoot

I had my first photoshoot done on Tuesday.
The pictures were taken by Guernsey Photos and located at Fort George (Guernsey)

To say I have piled on a lot of weight recently due to health issues and have been quite tired due to medication along with the fact I hate people taking pictures of me and usually try to avoid it at all costs....i'm quite pleased with the photos :)

The guy who took them (Mark) was lovely and he kept making me laugh!  But no I loved every second of it.  The best part is I didn't pay a penny as it's a shoot he wanted to do and chose me as his model.

Here are a few of the pictures.

http://www.guernseyphotos.com/

Photography

Just going to post a few random pics of mine.  I'm not a professional photographer or anything.  They are simply just photos I have taken either on a digital camera or on my iPhone that I like.

I tend to take a lot of pictures of the sky.  It's just something i'm often drawn to.

Comments/Feedback welcome.  Thanks!