Not Feeling Great Today

Woken up feeling ill today...same thing happened the other day.  It's like i'm coming down with something...then it starts to get better...then it comes back...and so on.  It's rather annoying.

Got a lot to do today.  Been trying to keep myself busy so I don't think about things.
Whether I will get it all done today...is another matter.

Gotta go to the post office, bank, see a friend at the park, pick up Chris, go to the tip, go to the shop....and so on.  Never-ending list at the moment lol.

I'm still feeling horrendously down in the dumps.  Lee no longer wishes to speak to me.  I won't admit that it hurts...because I like to atleast stay friends with people...but then at the same time...I don't think I want to be friends with someone who can hurt me so bad and not even care or show a hint of emotion.  Heartless and cold it seems.  I don't have time for people like that in my life.  Unfortunately I wasted a huge chunk of my life with this person...but you live and you learn.

The friend I am seeing later at the park is someone who made my life a bit unbearable at school.  She was part of the gang of people that eventually made me leave.  I couldn't cope.  However...people grow up (you would hope) and she realised she was a bitch..as she quoted...and we get along fine.  So might aswell...nothing to lose.  I need friends more than ever right now anyway.  She knows i'm in a fragile state.

Last thing before I go...

A random picture:  Chris' kitty....Ellie.  Isn't she gorgeous? :) xx

Grand Theft Auto - San Andreas

My god do I want to play this game again so bad.  LOVED IT.  Had so many happy memories of when I was 16/17 and my best friend Helen coming round to my house after school.  We used to play it for hours on end.  So much fun!  I still prefer it to the recent one.

I remember just getting in a car and zooming off to the county part of the map and whacking on the K-ROSE radio station and listening to some awesome tunes.  Bed of Rose's, I Love a Rainy Night, One Step Forward, Louisiana Woman-Mississippi Man...amazing!

Memories....

and my fav:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H027APFs8vc&feature=related
For some reason the video won't work on here.  Meh.

And some piccies of the countryside where my friend and I spent most of the time driving round!

It's funny when you look back at the graphics but god I loved this game.

Untitled Blog Post

Finding life unbearable at the moment.  Wondering how much longer i'm going to be around.  I'm frightened but no one can help me.  I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Me.

Just a pic of me.

Paramore - Monster

Love this song at the moment...

You were my conscience
so solid now you're like water
We started drowning
not like we'd sink any further
But I let my heart go
it's somewhere down at the bottom
But I'll get a new one.
come back for the hope that you've stolen

I'll stop the whole world
I'll stop the whole world
from turning into a monster, and eating us alive
Don't you ever wonder how we'd survive?
But now that you're gone the world is ours

I'm only human
I've got a skeleton in me
But I'm not the villain
despite what you're always preaching
Call me a traitor
I'm just collecting your victims
They're getting stronger,
I hear them calling

I'll stop the whole world
I'll stop the whole world
from turning into a monster, and eating us alive
Don't you ever wonder how we'd survive?
But now that you're gone the world is ours

Well you found us strength and solutions but I liked the tension
And not always knowing the answers when you're gonna lose it, you're gonna lose it.

I'll stop the whole world
I'll stop the whole world
from turning into a monster, and eating us alive
Don't you ever wonder how we'd survive?
But now that you're gone the world is ours

I'll stop the whole world
I'll stop the whole world
from turning into a monster, and eating us alive
Don't you ever wonder how we'd survive?
But now that you're gone the world is ours

Photoshoot - Newcastle

I've lost a stone in weight since these pictures were taken last month due to recent events.
It kind of upsets me a bit to look at them.
2 days after these were taken my world just seemed to fall apart.

Speechless

Hi.

Been going through a very difficult, painful time.  Like I said in a previous post my boyfriend of 6 years left me for someone else.

He will now no longer speak to me even though he said he wanted to stay friends.  His family seem to now hate me.  I am fed up of feeling like this.  I have been suicidal of late and have been close to ending my life several times.  I don't think I could possibly be much lower than how I feel right now.

I had to go to a mental health place and get assessed but they couldn't help me even though i'm a danger to myself.  I was supposed to have counselling but they said it won't help me.

I feel like no one can help me.  I don't feel as though I have anything to live for.  I have no job, my boyfriend/best friend has left me and my family is a mess.  Financially I have nothing to live on as I have a loan and credit card etc to pay along with my phone contact and car insurance...I am just living on what's in my bank account which is rapidly running out.  I can't get a job in the state I am in as I know I either won't stick at it because of my depression or i'll get sacked.

I really need to get off this Island.  I don't want to see him and her together acting all happy.  I want some happiness.  People keep telling me to leave here and go to the UK and start a fresh.  I am so tempted but I just worry about my pets.  I don't know how I would go about taking them over.  All I know is that I can't cope here anymore.  The place is nothing but painful memories now.  I need a new start.  It's the only hope I have.

Steam

I have a Steam account now...feel free to add me:  xxFallingStar

Counselling

So things are pretty bad at the moment and i'm in a pretty bad way.

Like I said in my last post...my bf of 6 years dumped me and wont even talk to me anymore.  He is already flirting with someone else...he even made reference on his facebook as to me being a "mistake of the past" which hurt like hell.

And then to top it off 2 days ago my little Pippa died in my hands.  It was the one thing that pushed me over the edge and i broke down in a heap.

I have counselling starting on Monday due to me being mentally unfit to work.
Let's see what happens shall we.  I'll keep you posted.

Rest in Peace Pippa <3 xx