Feelings

Why do I let myself get this down in the dumps?

I just feel so alone with no one to talk to.  And when I do speak to people it's like no one can help me.

I don't know what to do :(

Blog

Man these blogs don't seem a very happening place do they?  Do people actually bother reading these things or?

Breaking The Habit

One of my fav ever songs.
helped me a lot....especially overcoming self harming.

Pic Of Me I Like...

Rant.

I need to get this off my chest.

I wish I could go back in time back to when I was 16 and change who I fell in love with.  Because it's been nothing but sheer hell.  Something new pops up all the time just to hurt me a little bit more.

I just want to move the hell on with my life without these parts of my past coming back to haunt me.  Is that so much to bloody ask?

ARGH. :(

Best Friends Forever

We are just too cool. <3

Finally...The Weekend.

Hello,

So glad it's finally the weekend.  This week has been a bit stressful at times with work as it was my first week "going solo".

I used to work in a clothes shop called Evans for 4 years.  I recently changed job and now work as a bank cashier.  I've just done 6 weeks....5 of them i was being trained.  Hence why this week I went "solo" without the help of a trainer.  I think I did ok.  Well...the woman I worked with said I did really well.  However i got a little panicky at times with things I hadn't been shown or couldn't do.

Had some nice customer comments though which is always a plus.

I have never really mentioned the hell I went through with my old job...

Basically the deputy manager bullied me.  She hated my guts, tried to always get me into trouble and turn other members of staff (who were my friends) against me.  After being walked over by her (badly for 2 years) I reported her to the manager.  I literally broke down on the phone and said "she goes or I do".

The manager (who at one point also hated my guts thanks to my deputy) came over to the island to "sort out" the problem.  Thing is she did a little sob story and got away with murder.  It was all about her and her problems.  What about the suffering she had put me through?  She was also a reason 2 other girls left.  One being my close friend Kelsey.  We couldn't hack her crap (excuse my language) any more.

Every day all we heard was her love life, her problems etc.  When we wanted to talk about us for a moment....she didn't care.  Also you ask her to keep something secret and half the island knows within a day.

So we all had enough.

Her face when I handed my notice in was a picture.  Wish I had a camera at the time.  Would have framed it.

Kels and I love our new jobs.  We work for the same company again but different branches.  We are much happier our of that place.  She played us off against each other and I was worried we would lose our friendship because of her.  Luckily it all turned out ok.  We've always got each other's backs.

As for my old workplace...

All i've heard is negativity from customers and staff.  Definitely made the right decision.

New Pic Of Me

This would be me...

No editing...my lamp next to my bed gives off a pink glow. xx

Random Pictures That Make Me Smile.

I feel like cheering myself up...


Here's a mix of random piccies.

Quote:

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn’t understand the assignment.
I told them they didn’t understand life."
— John Lennon

Past Pets

I've put piccies of my recent pets up....just a small section for my past pets.

I only had hammies (apart from some goldfish...)

Huddersfield

Sat in my bedroom feeling quite tired but don't really want to dive into bed just yet.
Thank god it's nearly midweek already.  I could really do with the weekend.  So tired.

I am going to whack up some random pics.  I said before how my mum's side of the family all live in Huddersfield.  I had only met my Nana and Grandad.  My Grandad died when I was 15.  I hadn't seen my Nana since around the age of 8.  Never met my aunty, uncle or cousins.

I first planned to go over to see them when I was 15 but when my grandad died suddenly I held it back.  Then obviously I went through a severe state of depression so held it back longer than planned.  I wanted to go again last year...and then all of a sudden we had news that my Cousin Mark had died in a car crash.  Again I felt like it wasn't a good time so I held it back.

This year...even though they were still coping with the loss of my cousin...I felt I needed to see them all.  So I finally met everyone.  I loved every second of it.  They are all lovely.  I am going back to see them all in July.  I can't wait.

 Cousin Steven, Me and his girlfriend Jade

 Me and my lovely Nana

 Me with my cousin Julie

Me with my aunty Andrea (who looks just like my mum!)

Oh Dear...

I hate my voice...but I was so bored that I felt this would pass some time.
I apologise for the crappy webcam...it's about 5 years old now.  Poor thing needs to retire.

I'm just generally talking about nothing for a couple of minutes.  Also I sound a bit posh...god I hate my voice lol.

People In My Life...

Hello again.

Just fancy putting up some pictures of some people in my life.  Then if I mention names...you have a face to go with it.

First of all... Me:

My best friend Helen (on the left):

My close friends Kelsey (left) & Nadine (far right):

My friends Charas (middle) & Steph (right) (I used to work with them briefly):

Guys who have meant something to me:


Jamie (Jimbob):

This is the guy I really liked when I was 15.  I thought he didn't like me...even telling my best friend Helen he didn't fancy me.  I was gutted....but turns out he did like me after all.  But by then it was too late and I had a boyfriend.  We are still friends...however I used to see him all the time (usually throughout the night when we were both unemployed and nocturnal) but now we are a bit more distant.  Shame really.  But he means a lot to me.  He helped me a lot in the past.  He's a great friend.







Chris:

My first boyfriend.  I was 16 and he was 21.  Got back together almost 5 years later for another 11 months before we broke up.

He doesn't believe me when I say this but I love him with all my heart.  All the hurt he put me through in the past...I tried to push it aside and get on with being together again.  But certain things got in the way and thoughts playing on my mind just didn't help us out.  I'm a sensitive person after everything I went through and I don't want to constantly feel upset about the past.  Unfortunately it was all I could think about.  I called it a day and I felt awful for doing it.  But I did it to help me.  It wasn't an easy decision at all.  I will always love him regardless.









Lee:

Possibly my favourite photo of us.  However it's also one of the saddest.  It was the last picture I took before we broke up 2 weeks later.

This was such a hard time for me.  He has helped me so much over the past 5 years.  We were together 4 and a half.  Engaged for 4 years.  We just kept bickering over stupid things.  We were always in each other's way.  It felt like we had no space.  A few other things felt like the final nail in the coffin and I left him.  We were absolutely heartbroken but I thought it was for the best to clear our heads.  He is still a good friend of mine.  I care about him.  He was there for me when I was suicidal a few years ago and didn't give up on me.








and last but not least...My Mum:

I am very close to my mum.  However I don't see her even though I live in the same house as her.  You see...my brother craves 110% of her attention 24/7.  He became quite abusive...and my mum feels she has to be there when he wants her.  Which is all the time.  My brother doesn't want to know me.  I overheard him say he "never wanted a sister".  So I removed him from my life.  Was I upset?  Yes.  At one point we were close...but he became distant and aggressive towards everyone.  Now he is just a stranger to me...and my mum just can't cope.  When I see her...briefly....I try and make her smile.  Otherwise she just cries and wants to give up.  She means the world to me.  She is housebound by agoraphobia.  Something I had for about a year.  I grew up not being able to go shopping with my mum, going on holidays etc.  But she is a fab mum and that's all that matters.

Interesting Night

I was with a friend of mine tonight when a girl I worked with briefly sent me a text message.  She is a close friend of mine but I don't see her often as we both changed jobs.  I have always felt like I can relate to her as we both have depression and a lot going on in our lives.  However when she tells me why she is low I always see me in the past.  Similar situations, thoughts, feelings etc.

Anyway she was alone at the park and needed a friend so I went to see her.  She had been crying and I was worried.  I tried cheering her up as best as I could after a heart to heart and took her to my house.  Poor girl was freezing cold.  She had been at the park from 4pm and it was now around 9pm.

I did something I have never ever done before.  The diaries I wrote from the age of 13 to help me cope...I never show anyone.  However...I dug them out and let her look.  She was fascinated by them.  She said how much of a great idea it was and it's something she might start doing to help her.

I have always seen my diaries not as a book....but as a friend.  You can tell it what ever you want, whenever you want.  I know they have helped me so I hope they help her.

I care about her a lot and I worry about her.  I hope she pull through the bad times.  Deep down she is a bubbly, happy, hyper person.  A bit like me.

Chillaxing

Hello,  Had a chillaxing (chilling and relaxing) day today.  Although I was at the hairdressers for 3 hours today when I was told it would take 2....*sigh*.

Trying to put my dyed brown hair back to natural blonde is not an easy task it seems.

Haven't felt too well today.  So just taking things easy.  Weekends are usually pretty boring anyway on this island.  Nothing to do at all.  I usually just go out and about and take pictures.  I love photography...I wouldn't say I take amazing pictures....but I take decent ones when I put the effort in!  Although it's a bit dull outside today...hopefully it will be brighter tomorrow.

I adore music...I listen to just about anything really.  There's a song for everything that happens in your life.  It helped me cope a hell of a lot.  It's almost like a friend you can turn to whenever you want.

I always tend to listen to songs that relate to how I am feeling at the time.  I'm going to post lyrics of one now.

(Puddle Of Mudd - Blurry)

Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you 
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well you shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well you shoved it my face

Everyone is changing
there's noone left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

[Chorus]

Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

[Chorus]

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me