One thing I haven't really mentioned was when I was suicidal.
The first time I considered it I was 14. I have an attic bedroom and I actually planned out how I would do it. The only reason I didn't was because of how upset my best friend was when I mentioned it.
The second time was when I broke up with my first boyfriend Chris. I was 16 and he was 21. I never ever ever thought I would get a boyfriend. After all guys hated me. He found me on a website online and we got chatting etc. He seemed to like me and asked me out. I was over the moon. I couldn't stop talking about him at all. I must have driven people mad. However my dad didn't like this from the start saying I didn't know him well enough etc. Caused even more friction.
Anyway....I told my best friend that I had developed strong feelings for him. The only problem was he didn't seem very interested in me after a while. He dumped me several times and messed with my emotions on too many occasions. I didn't know if I was coming or going.
2 days before my 17th birthday everything seemed to be going fine. I was off to the island of Jersey with my best friend Helen, my mum and dad. When I was away....I kept saying to Helen "something isn't right..." I was irritable on the whole 3 days. My birthday being the worst. I came back to Guernsey the day of my birthday....and I remember being in a foul mood with everyone but Helen. My mum told me to snap out of it but I just felt like something was playing on my mind. The night before I had a "nightmare". I dreamt that Chris had dumped me online. When I told Helen she said "don't be silly mate....things will be fine".
I got home...went online onto "MSN" where I spoke to Chris most of the time. He was set as online but wasn't replying to anything. Obviously I started to panic. Eventually after what must have been an hour I cried and went to bed. The next morning I dived straight back on to the computer and he was online again. This time speaking to me fine. I was so happy. Until he said he needed to speak to me. I asked bluntly if he was going to dump me and he said we just needed to talk. I just cried. I knew what was coming. I text Helen and said my nightmare was coming true. He picked me up...and we went to his house...and he dumped me. Just like that. I was heartbroken. I loved him but I felt nothing back at all. I begged for ages to take me back...but not long after he got with someone else. Funnily enough a friend of mine. I just lost the plot. I completely cracked.
I hid away in my room, didn't eat a thing, just cried and cried and even hysterically screamed at times. My parents were worried sick...this was the first time my dad had shown he cared in my eyes at this point in ages. He even tried to make me eat something. I was wasting away. I went from an 18 to a size 10/12 in 3 months. Helen said I looked like a ghost. My mum was horrified. All my clothes hung off me. However being skinny made me feel a bit better. But the thoughts of ending it all came back and I started to self harm again. The only thing that stopped me this time was when I met a guy called Lee through a friend. He begged me not to do something silly. If at any point he thought I was going to...before I knew it he would be at my house checking to see if I was ok. He kept me busy taking me out for drives and seeing me for chats to take my mind off things. I put him through complete hell. After a while he asked me out...I said yes. Deep down I knew I shouldnt have been in a relationship but I just wanted to feel loved. After 4 months he said he loved me. I was shocked. But I couldn't say it back. I didn't feel it. I still loved Chris. I felt terrible. However he put up with me and my hysterical moments of madness and we grew closer and closer. Eventually we got engaged. I still loved Chris though but I thought I had to try and move on. And I cared for Lee deeply.
When Chris broke up with his girlfriend he said he wanted me back. I was torn between him and Lee for weeks. I felt like a total bitch choosing one over the other. In the end I chose Lee....but then as I thought maybe I should give it one more try...he got into another relationship. This time to my now ex-best friend. This girl was someone I had poured my heart out to about the break up. And the whole time she was sleeping with him. They denied it...but it was obvious. And others told me they had. I was heartbroken. It was this time I attempted it. I didn't want to live any more. On this small island you see the same people every day. And I couldn't hack seeing them together. Lee and I argued, I lost the will to live and I just wanted to die. It was the lowest time of my life. Helen (who knew her) was gobsmacked and couldn't believe they would do that to me. She rubbed it in my face all over the internet for me to see how happy they were together, talking about their sex life etc. I was a total wreck.
Somehow....I managed to get out alive. The support from Helen helped loads. And when Lee decided not to have a go at me about getting over it....and instead helping me cope with it....really made a difference. I started to see that maybe it was a good thing not being with him. After all he had treated me like crap since the start. She was no friend of mine. Maybe I should forget them and move on as best as I could after all.
It took 3 and a half years to try and push them to the back of my mind. I had good days and bad days and awful days where I didn't want to wake up. But I didn't let them finish me off. I'm still here. In 2009 I broke up with Lee after being together for 4 years. He broke up with her....and contacted me. Then we got back with our partners for a short while and broke up again. He then asked for another go....and stupidly after everything I said yes. 11 months later after going through various problems I left him. This time he begged me over and over again. But there's only so much someone can take. And I don't want to constantly feel shit about myself...So as much as it upsets me (as I will always love him regardless of how he was to me)...I feel we are just better off apart. Time can only tell whether I was right.
Thursday 31 March 2011
Wednesday 30 March 2011
Cute & Fluffy Things In My Life...
Just thought I would throw in a few pictures of my pets...they always make me smile. They all have their different attitudes and ways like us.
I have 4 Guinea Pigs (all female) and I have 3 hamsters (two male, one female).
As for hamsters...
I got Pippa first. She is now a year old. Unfortunately you can't handle her. She doesn't like to play etc....she just goes for your fingers. I know first hand she has sharp teeth.
Then I got little Frankie. I shouldn't have favourites...but he is adorable. He is so gentle. He is around 9 months old.
Charlie...I adopted him when I found out someone was giving away their hamster. I took him in. I don't know how old he is but they said they thought he was around the 6 month mark. So he would be about a year old now. All he does is sleep, come out in the evening for food...then goes back to bed! He is so so so lazy. X
I have 4 Guinea Pigs (all female) and I have 3 hamsters (two male, one female).
Truffles was my first piggy. She was 11 months when I got her Jan 2010.
Smudge was my second. She was 4 months old. Not long after getting her I noticed a lump that was getting bigger. She ended up having an operation. She pulled through and the lump was removed but she didn't heal too well. She kept ripping out the stitches and staples. The vets and I tried everything but she insisted on ripping them out! In the end we had to dose her up on strong painkillers that knocked her out. This resulted in her not eating and her weight plummeted. She became so gaunt and frail but after many vet visits and weeks of suffering...she bounced back and is now healthy and happy....and noisy!
Muffin...she is so adorable. She was only a baby when I got her...she was about 2 months old. She had this little tuft of hair that went into a pointy mohawk. I fell in love and got her. She has got fluffier and fluffier and now has a full on fringe! She is gorgeous though.
Bo. She was about a month old when I got her. She was so so so tiny! She is kept with Smudge who has taken to mothering her. She is adorable. She's a fussy eater though!
As for hamsters...
I got Pippa first. She is now a year old. Unfortunately you can't handle her. She doesn't like to play etc....she just goes for your fingers. I know first hand she has sharp teeth.
Then I got little Frankie. I shouldn't have favourites...but he is adorable. He is so gentle. He is around 9 months old.
Charlie...I adopted him when I found out someone was giving away their hamster. I took him in. I don't know how old he is but they said they thought he was around the 6 month mark. So he would be about a year old now. All he does is sleep, come out in the evening for food...then goes back to bed! He is so so so lazy. X
School
Hello again,
I have had nothing but positive feedback since making this blog. Friends have said it was a great idea and also some even said they shed a tear or two while reading it. I never expected a response like that but I feel like i'm doing something good out of it.
Depression is something not easily noticeable in a person. They might look happy, bubbly and positive on the outside...but falling apart on the inside. This is where I fit in...I am one of those people.
Many things have contributed to my depression....my last post basically was about how it started. Everything was just a spiral downwards from then on. Sure there were some positives...but I still felt lower than low.
I am a "happy", fun, giggly, jokey and loud kind of person....around the people who know me best. To every one else....I look shy, uneasy, awkward etc. I guess it's a fear of what they will make of me. I instantly think people will dislike me. I've always had that. And when you get bullied as bad as I did...you just feel like no one will ever like you. I try to be more social now. These days...if there is a work do...I will go. I used to turn them down left, right and center thinking "they wont actually want me there surely". But I feel by going to these sorts of things now...it helps me get to know people better and make me feel more comfortable and confident around them. It's just always a hard thing to push yourself to do it. But it's worth it in the end.
Carrying on from my last post (which was long but actually pretty brief really)...I left school aged 14 on an authorized absence. What happened was my social worker Avril said to me "complete one week of school and see how you feel on Friday". The thought of doing a full week at school terrified me. I was shaking. However somehow...I managed it. I hated every second of it. The teachers were all being OTT nice to me. It was so fake which actually angered me. I thought "so you won't stop them kicking me in but you'll now act all nice like you give a hoot now?" By this point I didn't care anymore really. If i'm truly honest...I knew I wanted to leave. I stuck it out...kept to myself...avoided the constant stares...and just watched the clock every day for it to hit 3pm. It just couldn't come quick enough.
I used to watch people in class laughing, joking, having a good time in lessons and involving teachers in their jokes. How could they enjoy school so much? It wasn't fun...it was horrific. But they didn't get bullied like me. They were known as the "Popular" kids. Everyone wanted to be in their group. This is how it was at my school. You had different "classes".....Populars, Geeks, Freaks and the group that was popular but didn't hang with the populars. Sort of a separate group. I was no doubt in the "freak" group. It sounds ridiculous...and it is. But that's how we were seen at school. Everyone fit into a group and I picked the wrong straw it seems.
On my last day at school I remember sitting in science. My head teacher Mr Wheeler came in. I was in year 10 and never once had he spoken a word to me ever. Until today. He came into the class, stood next to me and said "you have such lovely handwriting Diana" and started asking me how I was feeling. Like he cared? Since when did he care beforehand? He even saw someone yell abuse at me in the playground once and laughed. I simply turned to him and said "I don't want to be here". His face dropped. When he asked me why I said...."because I have had enough of feeling like this". And with that he simply walked away.
In GNVQ Health and Social Care...my teacher Mrs Green saw I was being picked on and feeling miserable. I used to walk into the class crying most days. Instead of removing the people who bullied me in the class...she removed me. She took me to one side one day and said "I think it's best you drop this course". Yet I was getting good grades for the work I had done while the others didn't. But they saw it easier removing me. I felt like the school had failed me. I still do. Even now when I walk past the building sometimes or drive past I feel sick and tend not to look. I try and get past as quick as possible.
When I told my social worker i had enough she didn't seem too surprised. I said I gave it my best shot but had just given up. It angers me that I gave up good grades and possible good GCSE results because of bullies. The school constantly denied they had a bullying problem but yet they always had anti-bullying things going on. One assembly they promoted a classroom at lunch time you could go in and speak to a "buddy" to help you if you were getting bullied. I went in and all the people there to help were the ones bullying me in the first place. Useless. I couldn't walk out quick enough.
I ended up going to a place called Granville House to complete year 10. I met someone called Mrs Gay who became my tutor for a few months. I felt awkward as most people there had learning disabilities...I didn't. I found the work too easy. Maths questions like 10 x 3 or 5 +4 + 2. I had to read a few paragraphs of a kids story every day....fill in missing words etc. Felt like I was in year 3 again. But I stuck it out. When I completed it I got a certificate and a cinema voucher.
They referred me to a place called Belle House. I met Dr. Penny Thomson who wasn't much help at all. I had to fill out a form on how I felt...and she just read it back to me. Didn't really do or say much else. My dad was with me and he was angry. He didn't want to be there. He was fed up of me and all these visits from social workers and seeing doctors. He didn't believe I had a problem. He just thought I couldn't be bothered with school. She told my dad she was going to give me something to "make me feel happier". I remember my dad asking if they were anti-depressants to which she replied no. Took the prescription to the pharmacy and sure enough they were anti-depressants.
When I got home and dad told her she was crying her eyes out. She felt like she had failed me. She begged me not to take them as I was only 14. I threw them in the bin. I didn't think a tablet could help me anyway.
My social worker recommended I went to the careers service and saw an advisor. Her name was Lisa Haywood. She was lovely. She told me about Flexi-Learning at the college literally 2 mins away from my house. I wouldn't have to pay for any courses as I was only 14. I thought it was my only hope at getting a job. After all I had nothing. So I started attending every morning. The tutors were lovely. There was Glenis, Michelle and Sue. All of them made me feel welcome. I did New CLAIT, Word Processing, Audio Transcription and Text Production in the space of a year. I felt great. But when it came to typing up a CV I just stared at a blank screen. I had nothing to put on it apart from my new qualifications. Glenis helped me out and i saved it onto a floppy disc for when I needed it.
My dad started to pester me every day to get a job. Every time he bumped into me he yelled at me GET A JOB. It wasn't that easy for me. I still didn't have any confidence. Sure I was a bit better but I hated myself still. I looked a mess, felt a mess and thought no one would want to employ me. My social worker parted ways with me when I was 15. She left to go to another job. I was heartbroken. She was such an amazing friend of mine. We wrote occasionally but she left her job again and never knew where she went. I would love to speak to her again.
I stayed unemployed for ages. I started hanging out with a friend of mine I met through someone. I had huge feeling for him come the end. But he kept telling my friend Helen he didn't like me in that way. I said "why would he want me anyway?". I saw him as often as I could. Because I didn't work I became nocturnal. Luckily for me he was too. We used to walk around 1am-5am sometimes just chatting. He used to hug me all the time and make me feel better about myself. When he kissed me once I just froze. Guys had never shown that kind of interest in me....ever. So my confidence slowly started to grow. I had stopped self-harming by this point. Also all the walking during the night helped shift some weight. It was nice to walk around in the dark. So quiet. It didn't panic me like trying to go out during the day. I made the most of it.
When I type about my past like this...it brings tears to my eyes. At the time I felt so many different emotions. I still feel hurt and angry about things that could have been different. But I also now feel proud of myself. I never thought I would be where I am now looking back. I will add some more tomorrow or maybe later.
Thanks for reading...please comment or leave stories/feedback. X
I have had nothing but positive feedback since making this blog. Friends have said it was a great idea and also some even said they shed a tear or two while reading it. I never expected a response like that but I feel like i'm doing something good out of it.
Depression is something not easily noticeable in a person. They might look happy, bubbly and positive on the outside...but falling apart on the inside. This is where I fit in...I am one of those people.
Many things have contributed to my depression....my last post basically was about how it started. Everything was just a spiral downwards from then on. Sure there were some positives...but I still felt lower than low.
I am a "happy", fun, giggly, jokey and loud kind of person....around the people who know me best. To every one else....I look shy, uneasy, awkward etc. I guess it's a fear of what they will make of me. I instantly think people will dislike me. I've always had that. And when you get bullied as bad as I did...you just feel like no one will ever like you. I try to be more social now. These days...if there is a work do...I will go. I used to turn them down left, right and center thinking "they wont actually want me there surely". But I feel by going to these sorts of things now...it helps me get to know people better and make me feel more comfortable and confident around them. It's just always a hard thing to push yourself to do it. But it's worth it in the end.
Carrying on from my last post (which was long but actually pretty brief really)...I left school aged 14 on an authorized absence. What happened was my social worker Avril said to me "complete one week of school and see how you feel on Friday". The thought of doing a full week at school terrified me. I was shaking. However somehow...I managed it. I hated every second of it. The teachers were all being OTT nice to me. It was so fake which actually angered me. I thought "so you won't stop them kicking me in but you'll now act all nice like you give a hoot now?" By this point I didn't care anymore really. If i'm truly honest...I knew I wanted to leave. I stuck it out...kept to myself...avoided the constant stares...and just watched the clock every day for it to hit 3pm. It just couldn't come quick enough.
I used to watch people in class laughing, joking, having a good time in lessons and involving teachers in their jokes. How could they enjoy school so much? It wasn't fun...it was horrific. But they didn't get bullied like me. They were known as the "Popular" kids. Everyone wanted to be in their group. This is how it was at my school. You had different "classes".....Populars, Geeks, Freaks and the group that was popular but didn't hang with the populars. Sort of a separate group. I was no doubt in the "freak" group. It sounds ridiculous...and it is. But that's how we were seen at school. Everyone fit into a group and I picked the wrong straw it seems.
On my last day at school I remember sitting in science. My head teacher Mr Wheeler came in. I was in year 10 and never once had he spoken a word to me ever. Until today. He came into the class, stood next to me and said "you have such lovely handwriting Diana" and started asking me how I was feeling. Like he cared? Since when did he care beforehand? He even saw someone yell abuse at me in the playground once and laughed. I simply turned to him and said "I don't want to be here". His face dropped. When he asked me why I said...."because I have had enough of feeling like this". And with that he simply walked away.
In GNVQ Health and Social Care...my teacher Mrs Green saw I was being picked on and feeling miserable. I used to walk into the class crying most days. Instead of removing the people who bullied me in the class...she removed me. She took me to one side one day and said "I think it's best you drop this course". Yet I was getting good grades for the work I had done while the others didn't. But they saw it easier removing me. I felt like the school had failed me. I still do. Even now when I walk past the building sometimes or drive past I feel sick and tend not to look. I try and get past as quick as possible.
When I told my social worker i had enough she didn't seem too surprised. I said I gave it my best shot but had just given up. It angers me that I gave up good grades and possible good GCSE results because of bullies. The school constantly denied they had a bullying problem but yet they always had anti-bullying things going on. One assembly they promoted a classroom at lunch time you could go in and speak to a "buddy" to help you if you were getting bullied. I went in and all the people there to help were the ones bullying me in the first place. Useless. I couldn't walk out quick enough.
I ended up going to a place called Granville House to complete year 10. I met someone called Mrs Gay who became my tutor for a few months. I felt awkward as most people there had learning disabilities...I didn't. I found the work too easy. Maths questions like 10 x 3 or 5 +4 + 2. I had to read a few paragraphs of a kids story every day....fill in missing words etc. Felt like I was in year 3 again. But I stuck it out. When I completed it I got a certificate and a cinema voucher.
They referred me to a place called Belle House. I met Dr. Penny Thomson who wasn't much help at all. I had to fill out a form on how I felt...and she just read it back to me. Didn't really do or say much else. My dad was with me and he was angry. He didn't want to be there. He was fed up of me and all these visits from social workers and seeing doctors. He didn't believe I had a problem. He just thought I couldn't be bothered with school. She told my dad she was going to give me something to "make me feel happier". I remember my dad asking if they were anti-depressants to which she replied no. Took the prescription to the pharmacy and sure enough they were anti-depressants.
When I got home and dad told her she was crying her eyes out. She felt like she had failed me. She begged me not to take them as I was only 14. I threw them in the bin. I didn't think a tablet could help me anyway.
My social worker recommended I went to the careers service and saw an advisor. Her name was Lisa Haywood. She was lovely. She told me about Flexi-Learning at the college literally 2 mins away from my house. I wouldn't have to pay for any courses as I was only 14. I thought it was my only hope at getting a job. After all I had nothing. So I started attending every morning. The tutors were lovely. There was Glenis, Michelle and Sue. All of them made me feel welcome. I did New CLAIT, Word Processing, Audio Transcription and Text Production in the space of a year. I felt great. But when it came to typing up a CV I just stared at a blank screen. I had nothing to put on it apart from my new qualifications. Glenis helped me out and i saved it onto a floppy disc for when I needed it.
My dad started to pester me every day to get a job. Every time he bumped into me he yelled at me GET A JOB. It wasn't that easy for me. I still didn't have any confidence. Sure I was a bit better but I hated myself still. I looked a mess, felt a mess and thought no one would want to employ me. My social worker parted ways with me when I was 15. She left to go to another job. I was heartbroken. She was such an amazing friend of mine. We wrote occasionally but she left her job again and never knew where she went. I would love to speak to her again.
I stayed unemployed for ages. I started hanging out with a friend of mine I met through someone. I had huge feeling for him come the end. But he kept telling my friend Helen he didn't like me in that way. I said "why would he want me anyway?". I saw him as often as I could. Because I didn't work I became nocturnal. Luckily for me he was too. We used to walk around 1am-5am sometimes just chatting. He used to hug me all the time and make me feel better about myself. When he kissed me once I just froze. Guys had never shown that kind of interest in me....ever. So my confidence slowly started to grow. I had stopped self-harming by this point. Also all the walking during the night helped shift some weight. It was nice to walk around in the dark. So quiet. It didn't panic me like trying to go out during the day. I made the most of it.
When I type about my past like this...it brings tears to my eyes. At the time I felt so many different emotions. I still feel hurt and angry about things that could have been different. But I also now feel proud of myself. I never thought I would be where I am now looking back. I will add some more tomorrow or maybe later.
Thanks for reading...please comment or leave stories/feedback. X
Tuesday 29 March 2011
Why I'm Here...
Hello bloggers.
I am new to this site. I would just like to say a bit about me and why I am here really.
Firstly my name is Diana. I am 22 years old and live on an island called Guernsey in the Channel Islands, UK.
I haven't had a great life. I know there are thousands/millions of people worse of than me...but I keep a lot to myself. I have always been a private person. I started being severely bullied at my school when I was 12. I was always the quiet, shy, teacher's pet kinda girl in the class. I had some confidence but always seemed too scared to try and speak up above others or answer questions i knew were right "just incase" i could be wrong and made fun of. People 2 years above me who I didn't even know picked on me. One slammed my face into a moving door as I was heading to maths. Everyone laughed as I cried. People wouldn't sit by me in class and called me horrible things. Guys spat at me...in my hair...on my face...even threw their fizzy drinks all over me infront of everyone in the playground. Mocked me and taunted me.
My feet turn inwards slightly. I remember 2 girls in year 10 (when i was in year 7) used to walk past me with their feet turned right in and looking thick saying "Look at me i'm Diana" and laugh. I had long hair my mum wouldn't let me cut...so they used to grab it and yank it as they walked past pulling me with them. Pure agony.
I had a lot of friends....none of them particularly popular. Infact my group of friends seemed to be a group of people that got picked on one way or another. We all got on great. Atleast that was what I thought...unfortunately people in my group were quite two-faced. They believed anything they heard. This caused a lot of arguments within the group. I tried to stay out of them unless people bad mouthed me. I would just purely defend myself and leave it there.
My absence at school gradually got worse and worse. I always pulled sickies and eventually stopped almost completely because i developed a fear of school. My parents didn't believe me of course. They saw a kid not wanting to go to school. But every morning when I got out of bed I felt physically sick thinking about that place. Sometimes i'd be sprinting to the bathroom to be sick. It was horrible. Getting ready for school when I was made to go was a task and a half. I prolonged it for as long as possible. Ended up being late for school many times because of it.
When I went one day....my friends decided they didn't want me in their group anymore and started to bully me. You think they would know how it felt...but they didn't care. I was already feeling so upset all the time and this was the final nail in the coffin for me. My own friends hated me for no reason at all. I had no one.
Constant name calling, rumors, damaging my things, threatening me, embarrassing me, hitting me....I couldn't face it anymore. I begged teachers to help me. They said "can't do anything unless we see it happen".
My dad spoke to my year co-ordinator. His advice? "Get counselling to deal with it or change school" My dad hit the roof...but he didn't care. Those were my 2 options. Like or lump it.
My parents were fed up of me not going to school....My dad and I were so close. Now he hated me. Threatened me with going to a care home. They had letters saying they could face imprisonment if I didn't attend school. I felt terrible. My brother (older and only sibling) constantly made fun of me. Made me feel so small. Every birthday card or christmas card....he would draw a chart and write how many days i attended school and what my "sickness" excuses were...and find it amusing. He never understood how I felt. When I cried he laughed harder. I couldn't win.
At 14 I got a social worker called Avril. She was so lovely to me. Through her she referred me to a man called Adrian for councelling. Nothing helped though. I still felt the same. I ended up giving up the sessions out of anger and frustration. I ended up leaving school on an authorized absence. No GCSE's...no friends...nothing. What happened when I left?....A few months later some of the people who bullied me left.
I had no other family...my dad's side of the family didn't want to know us. My dad had a falling out with them years ago so i missed out seeing all my cousins grow up. My mum's side of the family all lived in Huddersfield . I had only met my Nana and Grandad from that side of the family. They only came over twice that I can remember. I was about 5 and maybe 7 years old. As for my dad's side of the family...I only saw my Gran and her cat Tootsie. They died when I was 13.
The worst thing being...When I went into school on the first day of term, it was the day before my Gran's funeral. I gave the teacher a note to say I wouldn't be in school because of the funeral. And the teacher said "Is that your excuse this time then?" Heartbreaking. And that was infront of the whole class. I sat down and cried. Teacher's mocked me now. The one time I couldn't go for a serious reason and my own teacher laughs at me.
I slowly started giving up on life. I lost my best friend and other friends, my family seemed to hate me...I started comfort eating and self harming. People saw it as attention seeking. I saw it as a way of punishing myself for being nothing but an inconvenience to people. I cry now as I type this at just how low I truly felt. My weight rocketed. I went from a size 12 to an 18 in a few months. Eventually ending up a size 20/22 aged 14. I stayed indoors in my room everyday unless I needed the loo. Ate nothing but junk. Clothes got smaller as my waist got bigger. I ended up wearing my dad's clothes to hide the flab. I felt disgusting...but I hated myself anyway so who cared?
My now ex-best friend had introduced me to a girl a year or so before called Helen. I randomly contacted her. My only way of communicating was text or online at this point. When we met up...I was horrified. I couldn't leave my house. I froze solid on the spot. I saw the gate and just couldn't reach it. I ran upstairs to my room where I felt "safe" away from the world. What had happened to me? Helen had to come into my house and stay there for hours. I was so embarrassed. How could I tell her I was too scared to leave my own home.
In the end...when it became obvious over time...I told her. I had agoraphobia. This was something close to home. My mum had been housebound because of this crippling phobia for years and years. And now, I too had it. I didn't want to be like that. As soon as I stepped out the door and heard someone down the end of the road heading my way...I dived back into the house. Gasping for breath, shaking, feeling almost faint. Helen seemed worried and so was I.
Thanks to Helen's patience...Every day I tried harder and harder. From reaching the gate and back...the the end of the road and back...to the shop and back...she was there for me. She became my rock. I owe her everything. Without her...I feel I would still be in this room. Now I can walk anyway, go anywhere, see anyone. My Social Phobia i developed is a constant battle...but I try not to let it defeat me. You get good days and bad. But 99% of the time it's good. It's rare now I hide away from people. But I can still get out of the house...which of course is always a good thing.
That's just a very small part of what happened to make me depressed. And that was put in brief really. The diaries I made...I started when I was trapped in my room. I still write them to this day. I now have 14 books. I don't let people read them. I hope one day to publish them and help other people. This is now why I have decided to also share these thoughts and feelings online. But for now i will focus on the past so you get an idea of why I feel like I do now.
If you have any feedback, similar stories or advice please contact me. Depression is something close to my heart as it's an illness i fight everyday.
Thank you for reading and I shall blog again soon. X
I am new to this site. I would just like to say a bit about me and why I am here really.
Firstly my name is Diana. I am 22 years old and live on an island called Guernsey in the Channel Islands, UK.
I haven't had a great life. I know there are thousands/millions of people worse of than me...but I keep a lot to myself. I have always been a private person. I started being severely bullied at my school when I was 12. I was always the quiet, shy, teacher's pet kinda girl in the class. I had some confidence but always seemed too scared to try and speak up above others or answer questions i knew were right "just incase" i could be wrong and made fun of. People 2 years above me who I didn't even know picked on me. One slammed my face into a moving door as I was heading to maths. Everyone laughed as I cried. People wouldn't sit by me in class and called me horrible things. Guys spat at me...in my hair...on my face...even threw their fizzy drinks all over me infront of everyone in the playground. Mocked me and taunted me.
My feet turn inwards slightly. I remember 2 girls in year 10 (when i was in year 7) used to walk past me with their feet turned right in and looking thick saying "Look at me i'm Diana" and laugh. I had long hair my mum wouldn't let me cut...so they used to grab it and yank it as they walked past pulling me with them. Pure agony.
I had a lot of friends....none of them particularly popular. Infact my group of friends seemed to be a group of people that got picked on one way or another. We all got on great. Atleast that was what I thought...unfortunately people in my group were quite two-faced. They believed anything they heard. This caused a lot of arguments within the group. I tried to stay out of them unless people bad mouthed me. I would just purely defend myself and leave it there.
My absence at school gradually got worse and worse. I always pulled sickies and eventually stopped almost completely because i developed a fear of school. My parents didn't believe me of course. They saw a kid not wanting to go to school. But every morning when I got out of bed I felt physically sick thinking about that place. Sometimes i'd be sprinting to the bathroom to be sick. It was horrible. Getting ready for school when I was made to go was a task and a half. I prolonged it for as long as possible. Ended up being late for school many times because of it.
When I went one day....my friends decided they didn't want me in their group anymore and started to bully me. You think they would know how it felt...but they didn't care. I was already feeling so upset all the time and this was the final nail in the coffin for me. My own friends hated me for no reason at all. I had no one.
Constant name calling, rumors, damaging my things, threatening me, embarrassing me, hitting me....I couldn't face it anymore. I begged teachers to help me. They said "can't do anything unless we see it happen".
My dad spoke to my year co-ordinator. His advice? "Get counselling to deal with it or change school" My dad hit the roof...but he didn't care. Those were my 2 options. Like or lump it.
My parents were fed up of me not going to school....My dad and I were so close. Now he hated me. Threatened me with going to a care home. They had letters saying they could face imprisonment if I didn't attend school. I felt terrible. My brother (older and only sibling) constantly made fun of me. Made me feel so small. Every birthday card or christmas card....he would draw a chart and write how many days i attended school and what my "sickness" excuses were...and find it amusing. He never understood how I felt. When I cried he laughed harder. I couldn't win.
At 14 I got a social worker called Avril. She was so lovely to me. Through her she referred me to a man called Adrian for councelling. Nothing helped though. I still felt the same. I ended up giving up the sessions out of anger and frustration. I ended up leaving school on an authorized absence. No GCSE's...no friends...nothing. What happened when I left?....A few months later some of the people who bullied me left.
I had no other family...my dad's side of the family didn't want to know us. My dad had a falling out with them years ago so i missed out seeing all my cousins grow up. My mum's side of the family all lived in Huddersfield . I had only met my Nana and Grandad from that side of the family. They only came over twice that I can remember. I was about 5 and maybe 7 years old. As for my dad's side of the family...I only saw my Gran and her cat Tootsie. They died when I was 13.
The worst thing being...When I went into school on the first day of term, it was the day before my Gran's funeral. I gave the teacher a note to say I wouldn't be in school because of the funeral. And the teacher said "Is that your excuse this time then?" Heartbreaking. And that was infront of the whole class. I sat down and cried. Teacher's mocked me now. The one time I couldn't go for a serious reason and my own teacher laughs at me.
I slowly started giving up on life. I lost my best friend and other friends, my family seemed to hate me...I started comfort eating and self harming. People saw it as attention seeking. I saw it as a way of punishing myself for being nothing but an inconvenience to people. I cry now as I type this at just how low I truly felt. My weight rocketed. I went from a size 12 to an 18 in a few months. Eventually ending up a size 20/22 aged 14. I stayed indoors in my room everyday unless I needed the loo. Ate nothing but junk. Clothes got smaller as my waist got bigger. I ended up wearing my dad's clothes to hide the flab. I felt disgusting...but I hated myself anyway so who cared?
My now ex-best friend had introduced me to a girl a year or so before called Helen. I randomly contacted her. My only way of communicating was text or online at this point. When we met up...I was horrified. I couldn't leave my house. I froze solid on the spot. I saw the gate and just couldn't reach it. I ran upstairs to my room where I felt "safe" away from the world. What had happened to me? Helen had to come into my house and stay there for hours. I was so embarrassed. How could I tell her I was too scared to leave my own home.
In the end...when it became obvious over time...I told her. I had agoraphobia. This was something close to home. My mum had been housebound because of this crippling phobia for years and years. And now, I too had it. I didn't want to be like that. As soon as I stepped out the door and heard someone down the end of the road heading my way...I dived back into the house. Gasping for breath, shaking, feeling almost faint. Helen seemed worried and so was I.
Thanks to Helen's patience...Every day I tried harder and harder. From reaching the gate and back...the the end of the road and back...to the shop and back...she was there for me. She became my rock. I owe her everything. Without her...I feel I would still be in this room. Now I can walk anyway, go anywhere, see anyone. My Social Phobia i developed is a constant battle...but I try not to let it defeat me. You get good days and bad. But 99% of the time it's good. It's rare now I hide away from people. But I can still get out of the house...which of course is always a good thing.
That's just a very small part of what happened to make me depressed. And that was put in brief really. The diaries I made...I started when I was trapped in my room. I still write them to this day. I now have 14 books. I don't let people read them. I hope one day to publish them and help other people. This is now why I have decided to also share these thoughts and feelings online. But for now i will focus on the past so you get an idea of why I feel like I do now.
If you have any feedback, similar stories or advice please contact me. Depression is something close to my heart as it's an illness i fight everyday.
Thank you for reading and I shall blog again soon. X
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