One thing I haven't really mentioned was when I was suicidal.
The first time I considered it I was 14. I have an attic bedroom and I actually planned out how I would do it. The only reason I didn't was because of how upset my best friend was when I mentioned it.
The second time was when I broke up with my first boyfriend Chris. I was 16 and he was 21. I never ever ever thought I would get a boyfriend. After all guys hated me. He found me on a website online and we got chatting etc. He seemed to like me and asked me out. I was over the moon. I couldn't stop talking about him at all. I must have driven people mad. However my dad didn't like this from the start saying I didn't know him well enough etc. Caused even more friction.
Anyway....I told my best friend that I had developed strong feelings for him. The only problem was he didn't seem very interested in me after a while. He dumped me several times and messed with my emotions on too many occasions. I didn't know if I was coming or going.
2 days before my 17th birthday everything seemed to be going fine. I was off to the island of Jersey with my best friend Helen, my mum and dad. When I was away....I kept saying to Helen "something isn't right..." I was irritable on the whole 3 days. My birthday being the worst. I came back to Guernsey the day of my birthday....and I remember being in a foul mood with everyone but Helen. My mum told me to snap out of it but I just felt like something was playing on my mind. The night before I had a "nightmare". I dreamt that Chris had dumped me online. When I told Helen she said "don't be silly mate....things will be fine".
I got home...went online onto "MSN" where I spoke to Chris most of the time. He was set as online but wasn't replying to anything. Obviously I started to panic. Eventually after what must have been an hour I cried and went to bed. The next morning I dived straight back on to the computer and he was online again. This time speaking to me fine. I was so happy. Until he said he needed to speak to me. I asked bluntly if he was going to dump me and he said we just needed to talk. I just cried. I knew what was coming. I text Helen and said my nightmare was coming true. He picked me up...and we went to his house...and he dumped me. Just like that. I was heartbroken. I loved him but I felt nothing back at all. I begged for ages to take me back...but not long after he got with someone else. Funnily enough a friend of mine. I just lost the plot. I completely cracked.
I hid away in my room, didn't eat a thing, just cried and cried and even hysterically screamed at times. My parents were worried sick...this was the first time my dad had shown he cared in my eyes at this point in ages. He even tried to make me eat something. I was wasting away. I went from an 18 to a size 10/12 in 3 months. Helen said I looked like a ghost. My mum was horrified. All my clothes hung off me. However being skinny made me feel a bit better. But the thoughts of ending it all came back and I started to self harm again. The only thing that stopped me this time was when I met a guy called Lee through a friend. He begged me not to do something silly. If at any point he thought I was going to...before I knew it he would be at my house checking to see if I was ok. He kept me busy taking me out for drives and seeing me for chats to take my mind off things. I put him through complete hell. After a while he asked me out...I said yes. Deep down I knew I shouldnt have been in a relationship but I just wanted to feel loved. After 4 months he said he loved me. I was shocked. But I couldn't say it back. I didn't feel it. I still loved Chris. I felt terrible. However he put up with me and my hysterical moments of madness and we grew closer and closer. Eventually we got engaged. I still loved Chris though but I thought I had to try and move on. And I cared for Lee deeply.
When Chris broke up with his girlfriend he said he wanted me back. I was torn between him and Lee for weeks. I felt like a total bitch choosing one over the other. In the end I chose Lee....but then as I thought maybe I should give it one more try...he got into another relationship. This time to my now ex-best friend. This girl was someone I had poured my heart out to about the break up. And the whole time she was sleeping with him. They denied it...but it was obvious. And others told me they had. I was heartbroken. It was this time I attempted it. I didn't want to live any more. On this small island you see the same people every day. And I couldn't hack seeing them together. Lee and I argued, I lost the will to live and I just wanted to die. It was the lowest time of my life. Helen (who knew her) was gobsmacked and couldn't believe they would do that to me. She rubbed it in my face all over the internet for me to see how happy they were together, talking about their sex life etc. I was a total wreck.
Somehow....I managed to get out alive. The support from Helen helped loads. And when Lee decided not to have a go at me about getting over it....and instead helping me cope with it....really made a difference. I started to see that maybe it was a good thing not being with him. After all he had treated me like crap since the start. She was no friend of mine. Maybe I should forget them and move on as best as I could after all.
It took 3 and a half years to try and push them to the back of my mind. I had good days and bad days and awful days where I didn't want to wake up. But I didn't let them finish me off. I'm still here. In 2009 I broke up with Lee after being together for 4 years. He broke up with her....and contacted me. Then we got back with our partners for a short while and broke up again. He then asked for another go....and stupidly after everything I said yes. 11 months later after going through various problems I left him. This time he begged me over and over again. But there's only so much someone can take. And I don't want to constantly feel shit about myself...So as much as it upsets me (as I will always love him regardless of how he was to me)...I feel we are just better off apart. Time can only tell whether I was right.
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