Hello bloggers.
I am new to this site. I would just like to say a bit about me and why I am here really.
Firstly my name is Diana. I am 22 years old and live on an island called Guernsey in the Channel Islands, UK.
I haven't had a great life. I know there are thousands/millions of people worse of than me...but I keep a lot to myself. I have always been a private person. I started being severely bullied at my school when I was 12. I was always the quiet, shy, teacher's pet kinda girl in the class. I had some confidence but always seemed too scared to try and speak up above others or answer questions i knew were right "just incase" i could be wrong and made fun of. People 2 years above me who I didn't even know picked on me. One slammed my face into a moving door as I was heading to maths. Everyone laughed as I cried. People wouldn't sit by me in class and called me horrible things. Guys spat at me...in my hair...on my face...even threw their fizzy drinks all over me infront of everyone in the playground. Mocked me and taunted me.
My feet turn inwards slightly. I remember 2 girls in year 10 (when i was in year 7) used to walk past me with their feet turned right in and looking thick saying "Look at me i'm Diana" and laugh. I had long hair my mum wouldn't let me cut...so they used to grab it and yank it as they walked past pulling me with them. Pure agony.
I had a lot of friends....none of them particularly popular. Infact my group of friends seemed to be a group of people that got picked on one way or another. We all got on great. Atleast that was what I thought...unfortunately people in my group were quite two-faced. They believed anything they heard. This caused a lot of arguments within the group. I tried to stay out of them unless people bad mouthed me. I would just purely defend myself and leave it there.
My absence at school gradually got worse and worse. I always pulled sickies and eventually stopped almost completely because i developed a fear of school. My parents didn't believe me of course. They saw a kid not wanting to go to school. But every morning when I got out of bed I felt physically sick thinking about that place. Sometimes i'd be sprinting to the bathroom to be sick. It was horrible. Getting ready for school when I was made to go was a task and a half. I prolonged it for as long as possible. Ended up being late for school many times because of it.
When I went one day....my friends decided they didn't want me in their group anymore and started to bully me. You think they would know how it felt...but they didn't care. I was already feeling so upset all the time and this was the final nail in the coffin for me. My own friends hated me for no reason at all. I had no one.
Constant name calling, rumors, damaging my things, threatening me, embarrassing me, hitting me....I couldn't face it anymore. I begged teachers to help me. They said "can't do anything unless we see it happen".
My dad spoke to my year co-ordinator. His advice? "Get counselling to deal with it or change school" My dad hit the roof...but he didn't care. Those were my 2 options. Like or lump it.
My parents were fed up of me not going to school....My dad and I were so close. Now he hated me. Threatened me with going to a care home. They had letters saying they could face imprisonment if I didn't attend school. I felt terrible. My brother (older and only sibling) constantly made fun of me. Made me feel so small. Every birthday card or christmas card....he would draw a chart and write how many days i attended school and what my "sickness" excuses were...and find it amusing. He never understood how I felt. When I cried he laughed harder. I couldn't win.
At 14 I got a social worker called Avril. She was so lovely to me. Through her she referred me to a man called Adrian for councelling. Nothing helped though. I still felt the same. I ended up giving up the sessions out of anger and frustration. I ended up leaving school on an authorized absence. No GCSE's...no friends...nothing. What happened when I left?....A few months later some of the people who bullied me left.
I had no other family...my dad's side of the family didn't want to know us. My dad had a falling out with them years ago so i missed out seeing all my cousins grow up. My mum's side of the family all lived in Huddersfield . I had only met my Nana and Grandad from that side of the family. They only came over twice that I can remember. I was about 5 and maybe 7 years old. As for my dad's side of the family...I only saw my Gran and her cat Tootsie. They died when I was 13.
The worst thing being...When I went into school on the first day of term, it was the day before my Gran's funeral. I gave the teacher a note to say I wouldn't be in school because of the funeral. And the teacher said "Is that your excuse this time then?" Heartbreaking. And that was infront of the whole class. I sat down and cried. Teacher's mocked me now. The one time I couldn't go for a serious reason and my own teacher laughs at me.
I slowly started giving up on life. I lost my best friend and other friends, my family seemed to hate me...I started comfort eating and self harming. People saw it as attention seeking. I saw it as a way of punishing myself for being nothing but an inconvenience to people. I cry now as I type this at just how low I truly felt. My weight rocketed. I went from a size 12 to an 18 in a few months. Eventually ending up a size 20/22 aged 14. I stayed indoors in my room everyday unless I needed the loo. Ate nothing but junk. Clothes got smaller as my waist got bigger. I ended up wearing my dad's clothes to hide the flab. I felt disgusting...but I hated myself anyway so who cared?
My now ex-best friend had introduced me to a girl a year or so before called Helen. I randomly contacted her. My only way of communicating was text or online at this point. When we met up...I was horrified. I couldn't leave my house. I froze solid on the spot. I saw the gate and just couldn't reach it. I ran upstairs to my room where I felt "safe" away from the world. What had happened to me? Helen had to come into my house and stay there for hours. I was so embarrassed. How could I tell her I was too scared to leave my own home.
In the end...when it became obvious over time...I told her. I had agoraphobia. This was something close to home. My mum had been housebound because of this crippling phobia for years and years. And now, I too had it. I didn't want to be like that. As soon as I stepped out the door and heard someone down the end of the road heading my way...I dived back into the house. Gasping for breath, shaking, feeling almost faint. Helen seemed worried and so was I.
Thanks to Helen's patience...Every day I tried harder and harder. From reaching the gate and back...the the end of the road and back...to the shop and back...she was there for me. She became my rock. I owe her everything. Without her...I feel I would still be in this room. Now I can walk anyway, go anywhere, see anyone. My Social Phobia i developed is a constant battle...but I try not to let it defeat me. You get good days and bad. But 99% of the time it's good. It's rare now I hide away from people. But I can still get out of the house...which of course is always a good thing.
That's just a very small part of what happened to make me depressed. And that was put in brief really. The diaries I made...I started when I was trapped in my room. I still write them to this day. I now have 14 books. I don't let people read them. I hope one day to publish them and help other people. This is now why I have decided to also share these thoughts and feelings online. But for now i will focus on the past so you get an idea of why I feel like I do now.
If you have any feedback, similar stories or advice please contact me. Depression is something close to my heart as it's an illness i fight everyday.
Thank you for reading and I shall blog again soon. X
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