School

Hello again,

I have had nothing but positive feedback since making this blog.  Friends have said it was a great idea and also some even said they shed a  tear or two while reading it.  I never expected a response like that but I feel like i'm doing something good out of it.

Depression is something not easily noticeable in a person.  They might look happy, bubbly and positive on the outside...but falling apart on the inside.  This is where I fit in...I  am one of those people.

Many things have contributed to my depression....my last post basically was  about how it started.  Everything was just a spiral downwards from then on.  Sure there were some positives...but I still felt lower than low.

I am a "happy", fun, giggly, jokey and loud kind of person....around the people  who know me best.  To every one else....I look shy, uneasy, awkward etc.  I guess it's a fear of what they will  make of me.  I  instantly think people will dislike me.  I've always had that.  And when you get bullied as bad as I did...you just feel like no one will ever like you.  I  try to be more social now.  These days...if there is a work do...I will go.  I used to turn them down left, right and center thinking "they wont actually want me there surely".  But I feel by going to these sorts of things now...it helps me get to know people better and make me feel more comfortable and confident around them.  It's just always a hard thing to push yourself to do it.  But it's worth it in the end.

Carrying on from my last post (which was long but actually pretty brief really)...I left school aged 14 on an authorized absence.  What happened was my social worker Avril said to me "complete one week of school and see how you feel on Friday".  The thought of doing a full week at school terrified me.  I was shaking.  However somehow...I managed it.  I hated every second of it.  The teachers were all being OTT nice to me.  It was so fake which actually angered me.  I thought "so you won't stop them kicking me in but you'll now act all nice like you give a hoot now?"  By this point I didn't care anymore really.  If i'm truly honest...I knew I wanted to leave.  I stuck it out...kept to myself...avoided the constant stares...and just watched the clock every day for it to hit 3pm.  It just couldn't come quick enough.

I used to watch people in class laughing, joking, having a good time in lessons and involving teachers in their jokes.  How could they enjoy school  so much?  It wasn't fun...it was horrific.  But they didn't get bullied like me.  They were known as the "Popular" kids.  Everyone wanted to be in their group.  This is how it was at my school.  You had different "classes".....Populars, Geeks, Freaks and the group that was popular but didn't hang with the populars.  Sort of a separate group.  I was no doubt in the "freak" group.  It sounds ridiculous...and it is.  But that's how we were seen at school.  Everyone fit into a group and I picked the wrong straw it seems.

On my last day at school I remember sitting in science.  My head teacher Mr Wheeler came in.  I was in year 10 and never once had he spoken a word to me ever.  Until today.  He came into the class, stood next to me and said "you have such lovely handwriting Diana" and started asking me how I was feeling.  Like he cared?  Since when did he care beforehand?  He even saw someone yell abuse at me in the playground once and laughed.  I simply turned to him and said "I don't want to be here".  His face dropped.  When he asked me why I said...."because I have had enough of feeling like this".  And with that he simply walked away.

In GNVQ Health and Social Care...my teacher Mrs Green saw I was being picked on and feeling miserable. I used to walk into the class crying most days.  Instead of removing the people who bullied me in the class...she removed me.  She took me to one side one day and said "I think it's best you drop this course".  Yet I was getting good grades for the work I had done while the others didn't.  But they saw it easier removing me.  I felt like the school had failed me.  I still do.  Even now when I walk past the building sometimes or drive past I feel sick and tend not to look.  I try and get past as quick as possible.

When I told my social worker i had enough she didn't seem too surprised.  I said I gave it my best shot but had just given up.  It angers me that I gave up good grades and possible good GCSE results because of bullies.  The school constantly denied they had a bullying problem but yet they always had anti-bullying things going on.  One assembly they promoted a classroom at lunch time you could go in and speak to a "buddy" to help you if you were getting bullied.  I went in and all the people there to help were the ones bullying me in the first place.  Useless.  I couldn't walk out quick enough.

I ended up going to a place called Granville House to complete year 10.  I met someone called Mrs Gay who became my tutor for a few months.  I felt awkward as most people there had learning disabilities...I didn't.  I found the work too easy.  Maths questions like 10 x 3 or 5 +4 + 2.  I had to read a few paragraphs of a kids story every day....fill in missing words etc.  Felt like I was in year 3 again.  But I stuck it out.  When I completed it I got a certificate and a cinema voucher.

They referred me to a place called Belle House.  I met Dr. Penny Thomson who wasn't much help at all.  I had to fill out a form on how I felt...and she just read it back to me.  Didn't really do or say much else.  My dad was with me and he was angry.  He didn't want to be there.  He was fed up of me and all these visits from social workers and seeing doctors.  He didn't believe I had a problem.  He just thought I couldn't be bothered with school.  She told my dad she was going to give me something to "make me feel happier".  I remember my dad asking if they were anti-depressants to which she replied no.  Took the prescription to the pharmacy and sure enough they were anti-depressants.

When I got home and dad told her she was crying her eyes out.  She felt like she had failed me.  She begged me not to take them as I was only 14.  I threw them in the bin.  I didn't think a tablet could help me anyway.
My social worker recommended I went to the careers service and saw an advisor.  Her name was Lisa Haywood.  She was lovely.  She told me about Flexi-Learning at the college literally 2 mins away from my house.  I wouldn't have to pay for any courses as I was only 14.  I thought it was my only hope at getting a job.  After all I had nothing.  So I started attending every morning.  The tutors were lovely.  There was Glenis, Michelle and Sue.  All of them made me feel welcome.  I did New CLAIT, Word Processing, Audio Transcription and Text Production in the space of a year.  I felt great.  But when it came to typing up a CV I just stared at a blank screen.  I had nothing to put on it apart from my new qualifications.  Glenis helped me out and i saved it onto a floppy disc for when I needed it.

My dad started to pester me every day to get a job.  Every time he bumped into me he yelled at me GET A JOB.  It wasn't that easy for me.  I still didn't have any confidence.  Sure I was a bit better but I hated myself still.  I looked a mess, felt a mess and thought no one would want to employ me.  My social worker parted ways with me when I was 15.  She left to go to another job.  I was heartbroken.  She was such an amazing friend of mine.  We wrote occasionally but she left her job again and never knew where she went.  I would love to speak to her again.

I stayed unemployed for ages.  I started hanging out with a friend of mine I met through someone.  I had huge feeling for him come the end.  But he kept telling my friend Helen he didn't like me in that way.  I said "why would he want me anyway?".  I saw him as often as I could.  Because I didn't work I became nocturnal.  Luckily for me he was too.  We used to walk around 1am-5am sometimes just chatting.  He used to hug me all the time and make me feel better about myself.  When he kissed me once I just froze.  Guys had never shown that kind of interest in me....ever.  So my confidence slowly started to grow.  I had stopped self-harming by this point.  Also all the walking during the night helped shift some weight.  It was nice to walk around in the dark.  So quiet.  It didn't panic me like trying to go out during the day.  I made the most of it.

When I type about my past like this...it brings tears to my eyes.  At the time I felt so many different emotions. I still feel hurt and angry about things that could have been different.  But I also now feel proud of myself.  I never thought I would be where I am now looking back.  I will add some more tomorrow or maybe later.

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