Hurting

I know it's been a while since I posted a blog.
Unfortunately I haven't had the heart to do anything in the last week.

I went to Newcastle and onto Huddersfield two Sunday's ago....I left Guernsey the happiest girl I had been in a long while.  Things were looking good with my bf of almost 6 years (slightly on/off at one point) and I was looking forward to seeing my family and my best friend in the UK.

I couldn't wait to come home and see him.  I text him every day telling him i missed him.
I come home on the Wednesday and he picks me up and we are happy as anything to see each other.  He dropped me off home after a quick drive around the island and told each other we love each other and said goodnight.

The next morning I wake up feeling pretty great.  My best friend is in Guernsey after arriving a day before me and I was looking forward to seeing her.  I also couldn't wait to see my bf when he finished work at 4pm.

It was around lunch time and he text me asking if we were having tea together and I said yes.  He seemed happy and everything normal.  Then minutes later...i'm dumped.  Just like that.  It's over, finished, done.

I was hysterical.  I got my dad to take me down to his work and he kept fobbing me off telling me it was all over and telling me to leave the shop.  I was a complete and utter wreck.  I felt my heart breaking into the tiniest pieces.  He showed no emotion.  Just minutes before he loved me and now he didn't want me anymore.

I was so confused, hurt, angry and in so much unbearable pain.

I came home to find my best friend talking to my mum and I simply said "he's left me" and broke down in a heap.  My best friend Helen hugged me tight and my mum cried her eyes out saying "it can't be...why?  why?"
My mum loved him to bits.

Everything after that moment is a complete blur of pain.  I have never felt such emotion as I have the last week.  He said he doesn't love me anymore and told me to move on.  He is already flirting with someone else.  Someone 6 years younger aged 18 who he started speaking to just a few weeks before.  I blame her for all of this.  I saw an email she sent him saying she liked him a lot.  I stupidly told him and he said he was shocked as he didnt think she liked him.  He replied saying he was with me and she said "ok we can be friends....for now"

I questioned him as to why she would say "for now" and he just shrugged it off and said "no idea"

I now feel I know why.

I am completely and utterly heartbroken.  I have begged, cried, screamed, prayed...everything to get him to take me back.  But he has shown no emotion at all.  Not a tear.  He is always seeing, texting and on the phone to her now.  I have been completely pushed aside.  Words cannot express my pain right now.

Today would have been our 6 year anniversary.  He hasn't given a single thought about me and my feelings right now.  Last night he saw her while I sat in bed trying not to cry myself to sleep.

His family have also pushed me away.  Sent back my money I paid for Lee Evans which is in September as I can't go now.  Something I had been looking forward to since the beginning of the year.  I can only guess who will sit in my place.

All I can think about is him.  How much I miss him.  We were engaged for 4 years.  At one point we were trying for a baby and saving up for a place to live.  He lived with me for over 4 years.  He wasn't just my boyfriend...he was my best friend.  Now I feel I have nothing.  I feel completely empty.

I have no job, no friends and now I have lost the love of my life so suddenly.  I am at the lowest of low.  I went to the doctor and been put on strong anti-depressants and been offered counselling as I told my doctor I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.  At one point I also wanted to hang myself in my room.  The pain is that unbearable.  I feel I have nowhere to turn to for help.  Feeling punished for doing nothing wrong.

That girl will never know how she has ruined my life.  He was my everything.  Just over a week ago we were so happy.  I never saw this coming.  I just can't bear it anymore.

So many memories I will keep with me forever...even if he doesn't want to remember them.
I love him so much.